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The Idiot's Guide to Bus Travel
The first thing to note is that timetables are arbitrary at best, no more than a ball-park figure indicating general time of day. You will show up half an hour early, in the clear expectation that the bus will actually arrive one hour later. Except for the one day you are on-time, instead of early, and find that the bus has already left. There is no pattern, save that you must either wait for ages, or miss it altogether, because the bus' intent is always diametrically opposite to yours.
Once you are at the station/stop, you sit down to wait. It is important to sit, because one of the few reliable indicators of the bus' impending arrival is that it will appear about five minutes after your bum has gone numb. In winter, it is also useful to forget your gloves, to avail of the handy secondary indicator when your fingers turn a healthy blueish-white. Again, the bus will arrive approximately five minutes after this occurs.
Once on the bus, you are treated to custom-designed seating pummeled flat by seeming decades of use. There are, in fact, several positions in which you can be comfortable for longish periods on these, but all of them bear a resemblance to the foetal position to one degree or another. However! Needs must.
En-route, you will be treated to a soundtrack including, but not limited to, various renditions of coughs, wheezes, sneezes, grunts, snores, congestion, bigoted conversations, and guaranteed at least three different and mutually exclusive songs from headphones playing overloud, from all directions, at any one time. It is therefore in your best interests to come prepared with one of the following: a set of headphones of your own, ear-protectors, or a very zen attitude to life and your surroundings.
Please note that buses, no matter how many stops are along the route, will never stop at any one long enough for a bathroom break. Therefore, it is inadvisable to drink before boarding, or en-route.
Unlike airlines, luggage on buses is comparatively rarely lost. It may, however, be pummelled beyond all recognition, and in the opposite side of the compartment to where you left it. Large and immediately recognisable indicators of possession are therefore advised.
The end result of all of the above is that the average passenger reaches their destination with a feeling of harrassement, blissful relief, and a desperate need to visit the toilets. You have been warned.
A/N: Oddly enough, I actually like travelling by bus. It's just that, like everything, proper enjoyment requires an acceptance of certain unavoidable facets of the experience ;)
