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Asexual and Touch-Hungry
That? Would be me.
I'm pretty damn sure about the asexual thing, now. I have absolutely no desire for what I keep calling the 'fluidy bits' in my head. I'm even vaguely repulsed by it, when thinking about it in terms of myself. Strangely, not so much when it's other people, because, well, they can enjoy themselves however they want, so long as I'm not asked to participate. It's just in terms of my own body that I can't stand the thought.
So. Asexual. No desire for sex at all. Which, apparently, is very, very weird. I was in an introductory session with a counsellor, once, and he was asking a series of relationship questions, and asked if I were straight or gay. I hadn't a clue. I like both, but have no desire for sex with either, so I said that and told him to put down 'bi' to cover eventualities (I didn't know about the term asexual then). He stared at me like I was insane. My sister, who happily flirts (semi-subconsciously, I think) with anyone pretty that she takes a fancy too, found it incredibly strange that I'd never in my life had a wet-dream. Until she said it, I'd no idea that they were something you were supposed to have. *bewildered*
With all that, and with the way sex seems to be the focus of way, way too much of social interaction (Seriously. What's the obsession? Work and boyfriends/girlfriends seems to be all that was ever talked about in any social setting I've been in that didn't have a specific purpose.) I've ... sometimes been confused. Maybe it's something I won't like until after I've tried it? But I've tried kissing someone, with the tongue and stuff, and even that was ... repulsive ... so I can't imagine the rest would be any more attractive to me, before or after. I just don't like the idea at all.
But I do like other ideas, and that's where lines start to blur. I want to touch people, and be touched. No fluidy bits. Just ... touch. I see people in the street, and I want to run my fingers through someone's hair, or press the pad of my thumb to the corner of a smile, or cup my palm around the curve of a shoulder, or trace my fingers over a really gorgeous set of hands. Tiny things. I'm tactile. I learn by touch. And I want to learn bodies that way, I want my body to be learned like that. I'm touch-hungry.
But you can't do that. Not if you don't plan on having sex too. Because touches like those, they're intimate. And I know that. I think it's part of why I want them. I'm as romantic as the next person, after all. It's just ... I don't want sex. And if you don't want sex, you can't have the other stuff. You're 'leading people on'. You're 'being a tease'. Offering sideshows and denying the main event. Except for me, those sideshows are the main event. Physically, they're all I want, and all I can bear.
I've no idea what I'm meant to do about this. I seem to live in a sex-obsessed society. Which is fine, except I'm not part of it. These things I want and need, I can't have them unless I risk ... a whole range of undesirable things. Someone flirts with me (I think - I'm really bad at telling about that), and I want to flirt back, to touch back, but once I tell them that they're not going to be getting a return on their investment, so to speak ... yeah. Doesn't go so well. Which is such a damn shame, because some of those bodies I ache to touch. Some people are so beautiful, or so interesting, with such textures and lines and curves and intricate little places ... but no. Not allowed.
*sighs* So. That's me. Asexual and touch-hungry, and not a clue what to do about it. Heh. Ladies and gentlemen and miscellaneous others, it's 4am and the world sucks. That is all.
