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Odd style in this one. It wouldn't come for me any other way. *shrugs*
Title: Making Deals With Devils
Rating: PG-13
Fandoms: Good Omens, Supernatural
Continuity: Follows on from Challenging Archangels
Characters/Pairings: Crowley, Gabriel. Mention of Crowley/Aziraphale and Dean/Cas. Also, possibly, suggestions of past Gabriel/Crowley, but that's mostly innuendo
Summary: In which innocent archangels are repeatedly blackmailed into deals with heartless fiends, and innocent demons are repeatedly threatened with smiting for their pains
Wordcount: 3219
Disclaimer: I still own nothing.
Warnings: For dirty talk, and the mention of the incident with the ancient hooker and the bishop, which no-one needed to know about
A/N: Strange format, forgive me. It came out that way
[OR How an innocent demon, who was just trying to get a bit of a break, was hunted across half a continent and threatened at smitepoint into an abusive arrangement with a cruel archangel - be honest you great pillock!]
That is entirely a matter of opinion. Anyway ... Once upon a time ...
[Or circa 1150 AD Gregorian, if you want to be pedantic about it]
... The Tricksters had gathered for their centennial party and general piss-up ...
[It's very good, by the way - no-one knows how to party like a Trickster, provided you're immune to certain pranks]
Thank you. Anyway. There was this gathering, somewhere in the Schwarzwald since Till was hosting that year, and there I was, a young, freshfaced archangel trying his hand at demi-godhood ...
[Freshfaced my arse. Shitfaced more like]
A young, freshfaced archangel, just getting into the swing of things, comparing notes with that handsome devil Kitsune, doing my level best to ignore Loki in the corner bemoaning his fate and his family and crying vengeance - seriously, that bastard should head below sometime, he and my brother would get on wonderfully ...
[Shoulda listened when Till told you not to pass him the mead, then, shouldn't you? Loki's always a whiny bastard when he gets in on the honeyed stuff]
How was I supposed to know? Anyway, it was mead. Honey and alcohol, the two most basic earthly pleasures, mixed to perfection. You could get drunk and cavities. How could I deny anyone that?
[... Point]
Anyway, there I was, happy as you please, getting happily drunk and eating to my heart's content, without having to listen to Michael whine for the first time in centuries, without getting all those reproachful looks from Raph, without, in short, having to put up with my family, when all of a sudden I felt an angelic presence ...
[Demonic! Demonic! I haven't had an angelic presence since before the bloody apple!]
Fallen or not, the base stock was the same, and will you stop interrupting! Don't make me smite you, not when you've just managed to calm Aziraphale down ... Anyway! There was a rush of demonic presence, right in the middle of the party, and when I looked round there was this flash bastard standing there, all golden eyes and black tunic, gatecrashing a Tricksters' party like he hadn't a care in the world ...
[Hey, I got an invite from Anansi, I'll have you know! Besides. I'm always invited to the best parties. Whether the ones throwing them know it or not]
And this flash bastard stopped dead in the middle of handing off a keg to Till, turned to look at me, saw in an instant what I was, which, by the way, I've never quite figured out, and then he ...
[After five thousand years in the field, you get an instinct for it. Though you were pretty damn good. And then I beat a hasty and entirely sensible retreat]
And then he ran like the coward he was. Oh, come on! You were all but crapping yourself!
[Archangel. I ran into a freaking archangel in the middle of my holiday, disguised as a freaking Trickster like he'd been bloody waiting for me. What would you have done, oh master of the disappearing act? Oh, right, that's exactly what you did, when I told you about Raphael in Rheims ...]
That was different. Raph would have tried to get me to come back! Have you ever seen two archangels going at it? Trust me! It isn't pretty!
[Like I said. Beating a hasty and entirely sensible retreat!]
Oh, whatever. So the bastard ran out, anyway, and since I'd no idea who he was, where he was going, and more importantly who he might be tattling to, I made my excuses and followed him.
[And by 'followed', he means came after me like a bat outta hell, or Heaven, as the case may be. The bloody bastard chased me across half of fucking Germany before I managed to start losing him in Strassburg ...]
Incidentally, the string of sixteen brothels, the sixty-year-old hooker and the bishop? Nice. If I hadn't been trying to peel the candlewax off my face and bleach my brain, I might have been impressed.
[*snicker* Hey, Gertrude was an old friend! Really knew how to coax a man to damnation in style, she did]
Oh, I don't doubt it. Given that the bishop had just come face to face with one very pissed off archangel of the Lord, and the first thing he did was hide under her skirts and make her jump ...
[Really? The old bastard! I never knew he had it in him!]
He had something in him ...
[Anyway! Moving on!]
I don't know why you're acting prudish, demon, when you set him up for it in the first place.
[Hey, I just subcontract out! How Gertrude went about her little temptations was entirely her own affair, and nothing I needed to know about! Ever. She was a good friend, that hussy, but the things a human woman will come up with ...]
Oh, I know. I saw. And I may never, ever forgive you for it.
[Well, if you hadn't hunted me across a freaking country just for showing up at a party, maybe I wouldn't have had to! And you didn't bloody stop there, did you? No! You picked up my trail heading for Toulouse, and chased me across most of bloody France, too. And across the Channel, and on into Wales, you bastard! Wales!]
Well, if you'd stayed still, it wouldn't have been a problem! And I didn't appreciate getting almost drowned by that pack of selkies, either.
[Club. A group of selkies is called a club. Or a harem, but you don't want to say that one to their faces ...]
...
[Er. Just saying]
...
[Look, it's the angel's fault! He's a blooming walking dictionary, alright, you can't blame me for having picked some things up!]
...
[Er. I'll just shut up now, shall I?]
What a good idea! I'm so glad you've thought of it!
[Bite me, angel boy!]
Not in company, serpent. Or in front of your tea-slinging boyfriend. Although if he wanted to join us, maybe ...
[Tell the bloody story, Gabriel, and stop freaking the angels out! Cas doesn't need to know that shit]
He's going to have to know it someday, if him and ole Deano over there are ever going to get it on. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that supposed to be a secret? Oops ...
[Which one of us is supposed to be the demon, here? Get with the programme, archangel! Or shall I start us off, with you swooping down all fearsome and wrathful, and landing ass-first in an open-cast tin mine ...]
Which you booby-trapped, you sneaky bastard, to collapse at an angel's presence! And where did you learn that sigil anyway? That's one from after the Fall, and Dee hadn't even been a twinkle in his great-great granddaddy's eye at that stage.
[Never you mind, archangel. Demon's got to keep some secrets, especially with apocalypses being thrown around like confetti these days. Can't be too careful]
Yes. That's what you said then, too. After you'd trapped me in holy oil, a collapsed quarry and about fifty feet of rapid-fire sigil work. All of which you had to hand after being on the run for four days. Did anyone ever tell you you're a paranoid bastard?
[Part of the job description. Hell's never been a friendly place, you know]
I'm beginning to understand, yes. But now, here's the fun bit. Because I, as always, despite being tricked into a trap by a treacherous demon, was my usual cool and confident self ...
[He spent three hours cursing me in every language known to man or angel. I didn't even know you could curse in Enochian until then, but he managed it]
Crowley, shall I remind you that, while I may have been trapped then, I am not now?
[Shutting up]
Thank you. Have some whiskey, and let me tell the story, there's a good demon. And keep Aziraphale's head out of the pie, would you?
Right. Where was I? Oh yes. Trapped in holy fire, faced with a panting, desperate demon who'd just crapped his pants all over again ...
[Hey!]
... I decided I'd just about had enough. And the lovely thing about holy fire in an open air situation, especially in Wales, is that all you have to do is wait for a nice, handy rainstorm, and keep the demon busy until then so you don't have to scour the Earth for him afterwards ...
[*gulp* You know, I've always been really glad we got things talked out ...]
So am I. But back then, all I wanted was for you to stay still for a couple of hours so I could rend you atom from atom when I got loose. Possibly after having marinated you in beeswax, holy oil, and Gertrude's bathwater for a century or two. In a barrel in Till's taproom, while the party went on around you, forever out of reach.
[... You are a vindictive bastard, aren't you?]
Believe me, you have no idea. But all that meant was that I had to keep you busy. Distracted. Talking, in short. And, well, what better way to lure a demon than to pretend to be impressed, appeal to his pride, and then to his survival instinct by offering the potential of a deal ...
[Which, as an archangel in hiding, and me the one demon on Earth who knew how to get in touch with Heaven, wasn't at all an attractive proposition. Considering that I could have buggered off then and there, while you were stuck, and told Aziraphale where to look ...]
Yes. Whereupon he would have showed up, threatened a pissed off, wet and hunted archangel who was more than a little jumpy, and gotten himself smited for his troubles. Aren't you glad it didn't come to that?
[Whereupon his superiors would have noticed the frikking archangel that had just smote their operative, and come down on you like the proverbial tonne of bricks! Now aren't you glad that the angel meant enough to me even then for me not to drop him in the shit like that, and take out all my problems in one fell swoop? Honestly. I show up to a party, and Heaven drops everything I could need to destroy their earthly operations in my lap! If I wasn't the honourable demon that I am ...]
And scared shitless at the time ...
[Like you were any better! Or did I imagine the quaver in your voice back then?]
Crowley.
[Sorry. Look. It was a bad century, alright? Aziraphale ... He was in the Al-aqsa Mosque back in 1099, okay? He hadn't ... he wasn't well. Not for that entire century. I wouldn't have dropped him into a bar brawl back then, let alone have him tangle with an archangel, and those bloody bastards upstairs, with their fucking questions and requests for reports, and their little tests ... I wasn't ever planning to hand you over. Not to them, not after that. Whatever reason you had for hiding out with Anansi and Kit and the boys ... I wasn't going to rat you out. I just didn't want you to smite me before you figured that out]
I know. I realised that pretty quickly, actually. I've been captured by demons before, you know. Back in Egypt that one time, and before Michael got his head out of his ass during the first coming and actually noticed I was missing ... You didn't act like a demon. Less of the taunts and threats, more of the reasoned arguments. For mutual survival, which was new. Even Lucy can only get his head around one person surviving a conflict at a time.
[It was a good argument, too. I mean, the past few centuries have proven how good an arrangement it was. You don't kill me, and I don't set the higher-ups on you ...]
I do you the occasional favour, maybe trickster you and your angel out of a few tight spots, not that you told me about the angel at the time, mind, and in return you send some juicy work my way, and give me the heads up on any brotherly manifestations ...
[You give me a look-in on the pagan circuit, and I get you the lowdown from the demonic scene, and later the angelic one, once you'd figured out about Aziraphale and the Arrangement and didn't smite either of us ...]
I was hardly going to punish Heaven's covert operative for actually using his head, was I? Only angel in existence who was, at the time, and besides. I knew he could trust you, by then.
[... You what? You did in your eye! You promised to drop me to the bottom of the Marianna Trench in a sealed box with only an everlasting phonograph of a polka recital for company, should I ever cause him harm!]
Yes, well. He is my baby brother, after all. And the only decent one I had at the time.
[You'd never even met him!]
I didn't have to! He was an angel, you were a demon! Decent and occasional fun you may have been, but ...
[But even after 900 years of exile, you couldn't help but take sides? Even after a millennium, family is still family, and you want to protect it?]
... You ... you've been ... Shut up. Do not go there, demon.
[You want to protect your baby brother. Brothers, maybe. Gonna be a bit awkward, now that they've challenged Heaven and Hell to a pissing match. With only a serpent and two moronic humans for help ...]
Shut up, Crowley. Shut up. I said I'd help already, so you just shut up.
[No. No. Because thisss iss important, archangel. Thisss is my angel, and my planet, and I want confirmation. I want a deal. Blame it on demonic paranoia if you want, but I want to know for sssure that we can trussst you!]
...
An Arrangement. You want an Arrangement. Is that it?
[No. I want The Arrangement. Me and the angel, we've already pulled Cas into it, and he'sss pulled in his humanss. But you ... You want in, or are we kicking you out? All the way out]
I've offered you my help! I've put my freedom on the line for you! Not to mention my neck! What could I possibly gain by entering a deal with a demon on top of it? Why would I want to?
[... Because we look out for our own. Because if you were one of us, we'd do for you what we'd do for each other. Everything we'd do for each other. And Gabriel, after a thousand yearssss ... you know what that meanssss. You know what it means when I promise that. You and me, we had an arrangement, but you know how different that is compared to the Arrangement. You know what me and the angel would do, could do, have done. After all thissss time, you know]
And you, you would offer me that? If I just give you my word not to betray you? You'll offer me that? Oh, no. No, demon, you're more insidious than that. What do you want, hmmm? What devil's price would you have an archangel pay, to be looked after by a demon and a couple of dinky rebel angels, against all the might of Heaven and Hell? My name, sealed in blood? The seals of Heaven? Me to challenge archangels for you? What do you want, Crowley?
[... I want my angel to live. I want Aziraphale to survive this, and Castiel, and Earth, and even the Brothers Bozo over there. I want Heaven and Hell to pissssss off and play out their little derby somewhere elsssse. I want to be able to sssend you some corrupt priessst or some Nazi torturer to play with, and get a few temptable maidens sent my way in return. I want there to be a world. I want there to be room for deals, and arrangements, and civilised talks between sides. I want there to be humanity, and decent alcohol, and Trickster parties when Kit gets Loki drunk and makes him set Coyote on fire. I want your people and mine to ssstop with the freaking apocalypsessss already! I want my world back! Alright?]
... I can't fight them all, Crowley. I can't fight any of them. I've never been a fighter, of all the archangels, and I can't ... They're family. I can't just ...
[I know. You think I want to fight? I mean, Cas may be a soldier, and 'Zira may be a dab hand with a flaming sword, but thisss ... this isn't about fighting. It can't be. If the Ineffable Plan hinges on ussss being able to hold our own in a fair fight, we're already sunk. But ... there hasss to be another way. Thisss is Earth, after all. With free will, and technology, and humans, and all that sneaky glory ... there will be another way. There hassss to be. All I want ... isss for you to help usss find it. That's ... that's all. Come on. Jusst one more little deal, with your favourite demon. Have I ever lead you wrong?]
More times than I can count. But ...
[Just don't sell usss out, that's all I ask. Maybe trick usss out of a tight spot or two. Sssend some useful thingsss our way. Jusst ... ssstay with uss. Part of usss. Come on, archangel. A thoussand yearsss down here, don't you want to keep it around a little longer? Jussst for fun?]
... I won't fight my brothers. Whatever happens, I will not raise my sword against them. Not again. I'm not ... I will not do that. But ... Just a little Arrangement, I suppose it couldn't hurt ...
[Isss it a deal, then? Archangel?]
... You are a serpent, aren't you? Temptation. You could persuade anyone, couldn't you? Did Eve fall this easily?
[Nah. Eve wasss a harridan in waiting. Took me forever to get her to taste. But the lure of the the forbidden ... sssooner or later everyone falls. Sooner or later everyone takessss a little of what they want. Doesn't have to mean anything, though. Doessn't have to hurt. At leasst, not anymore than everything already doess. World'ssss ending, after all. And you ... Gabriel, you want thisss. You know it. And we can give it]
... I want pastry. If I'm going to do this, I want pastry. All an archangel can eat. And alcohol! This goes the way I think it's going to, I'm going to need to get very, very drunk before it's over. And no humans before ten am! I'm not a morning person!
[*grins* I've got a good line on a mead supply, as it happensss. Can't get the stuff anymore, but I happen to know a guy who knowsss a guy ...]
Fine. Fine! You bloody serpent, I'm in. Sign me up, whatever. I'm in.
This better not come back to bite me in the ass.
[Oh, I promise. Anything biting you in the assss, it won't be an arrangement ...]
... Shut up, you dirty demon, and pass me the bloody bottle. If I'm going to be putting up with you, I'm going to get started on the drunk. I'm going to need it.
Contd. Morning
Title: Making Deals With Devils
Rating: PG-13
Fandoms: Good Omens, Supernatural
Continuity: Follows on from Challenging Archangels
Characters/Pairings: Crowley, Gabriel. Mention of Crowley/Aziraphale and Dean/Cas. Also, possibly, suggestions of past Gabriel/Crowley, but that's mostly innuendo
Summary: In which innocent archangels are repeatedly blackmailed into deals with heartless fiends, and innocent demons are repeatedly threatened with smiting for their pains
Wordcount: 3219
Disclaimer: I still own nothing.
Warnings: For dirty talk, and the mention of the incident with the ancient hooker and the bishop, which no-one needed to know about
A/N: Strange format, forgive me. It came out that way
Making Deals With Devils
How an innocent Archangel, who was just trying to have a good time with his new Trickster pals, was blackmailed into making a terrible deal with a heartless fiend ...[OR How an innocent demon, who was just trying to get a bit of a break, was hunted across half a continent and threatened at smitepoint into an abusive arrangement with a cruel archangel - be honest you great pillock!]
That is entirely a matter of opinion. Anyway ... Once upon a time ...
[Or circa 1150 AD Gregorian, if you want to be pedantic about it]
... The Tricksters had gathered for their centennial party and general piss-up ...
[It's very good, by the way - no-one knows how to party like a Trickster, provided you're immune to certain pranks]
Thank you. Anyway. There was this gathering, somewhere in the Schwarzwald since Till was hosting that year, and there I was, a young, freshfaced archangel trying his hand at demi-godhood ...
[Freshfaced my arse. Shitfaced more like]
A young, freshfaced archangel, just getting into the swing of things, comparing notes with that handsome devil Kitsune, doing my level best to ignore Loki in the corner bemoaning his fate and his family and crying vengeance - seriously, that bastard should head below sometime, he and my brother would get on wonderfully ...
[Shoulda listened when Till told you not to pass him the mead, then, shouldn't you? Loki's always a whiny bastard when he gets in on the honeyed stuff]
How was I supposed to know? Anyway, it was mead. Honey and alcohol, the two most basic earthly pleasures, mixed to perfection. You could get drunk and cavities. How could I deny anyone that?
[... Point]
Anyway, there I was, happy as you please, getting happily drunk and eating to my heart's content, without having to listen to Michael whine for the first time in centuries, without getting all those reproachful looks from Raph, without, in short, having to put up with my family, when all of a sudden I felt an angelic presence ...
[Demonic! Demonic! I haven't had an angelic presence since before the bloody apple!]
Fallen or not, the base stock was the same, and will you stop interrupting! Don't make me smite you, not when you've just managed to calm Aziraphale down ... Anyway! There was a rush of demonic presence, right in the middle of the party, and when I looked round there was this flash bastard standing there, all golden eyes and black tunic, gatecrashing a Tricksters' party like he hadn't a care in the world ...
[Hey, I got an invite from Anansi, I'll have you know! Besides. I'm always invited to the best parties. Whether the ones throwing them know it or not]
And this flash bastard stopped dead in the middle of handing off a keg to Till, turned to look at me, saw in an instant what I was, which, by the way, I've never quite figured out, and then he ...
[After five thousand years in the field, you get an instinct for it. Though you were pretty damn good. And then I beat a hasty and entirely sensible retreat]
And then he ran like the coward he was. Oh, come on! You were all but crapping yourself!
[Archangel. I ran into a freaking archangel in the middle of my holiday, disguised as a freaking Trickster like he'd been bloody waiting for me. What would you have done, oh master of the disappearing act? Oh, right, that's exactly what you did, when I told you about Raphael in Rheims ...]
That was different. Raph would have tried to get me to come back! Have you ever seen two archangels going at it? Trust me! It isn't pretty!
[Like I said. Beating a hasty and entirely sensible retreat!]
Oh, whatever. So the bastard ran out, anyway, and since I'd no idea who he was, where he was going, and more importantly who he might be tattling to, I made my excuses and followed him.
[And by 'followed', he means came after me like a bat outta hell, or Heaven, as the case may be. The bloody bastard chased me across half of fucking Germany before I managed to start losing him in Strassburg ...]
Incidentally, the string of sixteen brothels, the sixty-year-old hooker and the bishop? Nice. If I hadn't been trying to peel the candlewax off my face and bleach my brain, I might have been impressed.
[*snicker* Hey, Gertrude was an old friend! Really knew how to coax a man to damnation in style, she did]
Oh, I don't doubt it. Given that the bishop had just come face to face with one very pissed off archangel of the Lord, and the first thing he did was hide under her skirts and make her jump ...
[Really? The old bastard! I never knew he had it in him!]
He had something in him ...
[Anyway! Moving on!]
I don't know why you're acting prudish, demon, when you set him up for it in the first place.
[Hey, I just subcontract out! How Gertrude went about her little temptations was entirely her own affair, and nothing I needed to know about! Ever. She was a good friend, that hussy, but the things a human woman will come up with ...]
Oh, I know. I saw. And I may never, ever forgive you for it.
[Well, if you hadn't hunted me across a freaking country just for showing up at a party, maybe I wouldn't have had to! And you didn't bloody stop there, did you? No! You picked up my trail heading for Toulouse, and chased me across most of bloody France, too. And across the Channel, and on into Wales, you bastard! Wales!]
Well, if you'd stayed still, it wouldn't have been a problem! And I didn't appreciate getting almost drowned by that pack of selkies, either.
[Club. A group of selkies is called a club. Or a harem, but you don't want to say that one to their faces ...]
...
[Er. Just saying]
...
[Look, it's the angel's fault! He's a blooming walking dictionary, alright, you can't blame me for having picked some things up!]
...
[Er. I'll just shut up now, shall I?]
What a good idea! I'm so glad you've thought of it!
[Bite me, angel boy!]
Not in company, serpent. Or in front of your tea-slinging boyfriend. Although if he wanted to join us, maybe ...
[Tell the bloody story, Gabriel, and stop freaking the angels out! Cas doesn't need to know that shit]
He's going to have to know it someday, if him and ole Deano over there are ever going to get it on. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that supposed to be a secret? Oops ...
[Which one of us is supposed to be the demon, here? Get with the programme, archangel! Or shall I start us off, with you swooping down all fearsome and wrathful, and landing ass-first in an open-cast tin mine ...]
Which you booby-trapped, you sneaky bastard, to collapse at an angel's presence! And where did you learn that sigil anyway? That's one from after the Fall, and Dee hadn't even been a twinkle in his great-great granddaddy's eye at that stage.
[Never you mind, archangel. Demon's got to keep some secrets, especially with apocalypses being thrown around like confetti these days. Can't be too careful]
Yes. That's what you said then, too. After you'd trapped me in holy oil, a collapsed quarry and about fifty feet of rapid-fire sigil work. All of which you had to hand after being on the run for four days. Did anyone ever tell you you're a paranoid bastard?
[Part of the job description. Hell's never been a friendly place, you know]
I'm beginning to understand, yes. But now, here's the fun bit. Because I, as always, despite being tricked into a trap by a treacherous demon, was my usual cool and confident self ...
[He spent three hours cursing me in every language known to man or angel. I didn't even know you could curse in Enochian until then, but he managed it]
Crowley, shall I remind you that, while I may have been trapped then, I am not now?
[Shutting up]
Thank you. Have some whiskey, and let me tell the story, there's a good demon. And keep Aziraphale's head out of the pie, would you?
Right. Where was I? Oh yes. Trapped in holy fire, faced with a panting, desperate demon who'd just crapped his pants all over again ...
[Hey!]
... I decided I'd just about had enough. And the lovely thing about holy fire in an open air situation, especially in Wales, is that all you have to do is wait for a nice, handy rainstorm, and keep the demon busy until then so you don't have to scour the Earth for him afterwards ...
[*gulp* You know, I've always been really glad we got things talked out ...]
So am I. But back then, all I wanted was for you to stay still for a couple of hours so I could rend you atom from atom when I got loose. Possibly after having marinated you in beeswax, holy oil, and Gertrude's bathwater for a century or two. In a barrel in Till's taproom, while the party went on around you, forever out of reach.
[... You are a vindictive bastard, aren't you?]
Believe me, you have no idea. But all that meant was that I had to keep you busy. Distracted. Talking, in short. And, well, what better way to lure a demon than to pretend to be impressed, appeal to his pride, and then to his survival instinct by offering the potential of a deal ...
[Which, as an archangel in hiding, and me the one demon on Earth who knew how to get in touch with Heaven, wasn't at all an attractive proposition. Considering that I could have buggered off then and there, while you were stuck, and told Aziraphale where to look ...]
Yes. Whereupon he would have showed up, threatened a pissed off, wet and hunted archangel who was more than a little jumpy, and gotten himself smited for his troubles. Aren't you glad it didn't come to that?
[Whereupon his superiors would have noticed the frikking archangel that had just smote their operative, and come down on you like the proverbial tonne of bricks! Now aren't you glad that the angel meant enough to me even then for me not to drop him in the shit like that, and take out all my problems in one fell swoop? Honestly. I show up to a party, and Heaven drops everything I could need to destroy their earthly operations in my lap! If I wasn't the honourable demon that I am ...]
And scared shitless at the time ...
[Like you were any better! Or did I imagine the quaver in your voice back then?]
Crowley.
[Sorry. Look. It was a bad century, alright? Aziraphale ... He was in the Al-aqsa Mosque back in 1099, okay? He hadn't ... he wasn't well. Not for that entire century. I wouldn't have dropped him into a bar brawl back then, let alone have him tangle with an archangel, and those bloody bastards upstairs, with their fucking questions and requests for reports, and their little tests ... I wasn't ever planning to hand you over. Not to them, not after that. Whatever reason you had for hiding out with Anansi and Kit and the boys ... I wasn't going to rat you out. I just didn't want you to smite me before you figured that out]
I know. I realised that pretty quickly, actually. I've been captured by demons before, you know. Back in Egypt that one time, and before Michael got his head out of his ass during the first coming and actually noticed I was missing ... You didn't act like a demon. Less of the taunts and threats, more of the reasoned arguments. For mutual survival, which was new. Even Lucy can only get his head around one person surviving a conflict at a time.
[It was a good argument, too. I mean, the past few centuries have proven how good an arrangement it was. You don't kill me, and I don't set the higher-ups on you ...]
I do you the occasional favour, maybe trickster you and your angel out of a few tight spots, not that you told me about the angel at the time, mind, and in return you send some juicy work my way, and give me the heads up on any brotherly manifestations ...
[You give me a look-in on the pagan circuit, and I get you the lowdown from the demonic scene, and later the angelic one, once you'd figured out about Aziraphale and the Arrangement and didn't smite either of us ...]
I was hardly going to punish Heaven's covert operative for actually using his head, was I? Only angel in existence who was, at the time, and besides. I knew he could trust you, by then.
[... You what? You did in your eye! You promised to drop me to the bottom of the Marianna Trench in a sealed box with only an everlasting phonograph of a polka recital for company, should I ever cause him harm!]
Yes, well. He is my baby brother, after all. And the only decent one I had at the time.
[You'd never even met him!]
I didn't have to! He was an angel, you were a demon! Decent and occasional fun you may have been, but ...
[But even after 900 years of exile, you couldn't help but take sides? Even after a millennium, family is still family, and you want to protect it?]
... You ... you've been ... Shut up. Do not go there, demon.
[You want to protect your baby brother. Brothers, maybe. Gonna be a bit awkward, now that they've challenged Heaven and Hell to a pissing match. With only a serpent and two moronic humans for help ...]
Shut up, Crowley. Shut up. I said I'd help already, so you just shut up.
[No. No. Because thisss iss important, archangel. Thisss is my angel, and my planet, and I want confirmation. I want a deal. Blame it on demonic paranoia if you want, but I want to know for sssure that we can trussst you!]
...
An Arrangement. You want an Arrangement. Is that it?
[No. I want The Arrangement. Me and the angel, we've already pulled Cas into it, and he'sss pulled in his humanss. But you ... You want in, or are we kicking you out? All the way out]
I've offered you my help! I've put my freedom on the line for you! Not to mention my neck! What could I possibly gain by entering a deal with a demon on top of it? Why would I want to?
[... Because we look out for our own. Because if you were one of us, we'd do for you what we'd do for each other. Everything we'd do for each other. And Gabriel, after a thousand yearssss ... you know what that meanssss. You know what it means when I promise that. You and me, we had an arrangement, but you know how different that is compared to the Arrangement. You know what me and the angel would do, could do, have done. After all thissss time, you know]
And you, you would offer me that? If I just give you my word not to betray you? You'll offer me that? Oh, no. No, demon, you're more insidious than that. What do you want, hmmm? What devil's price would you have an archangel pay, to be looked after by a demon and a couple of dinky rebel angels, against all the might of Heaven and Hell? My name, sealed in blood? The seals of Heaven? Me to challenge archangels for you? What do you want, Crowley?
[... I want my angel to live. I want Aziraphale to survive this, and Castiel, and Earth, and even the Brothers Bozo over there. I want Heaven and Hell to pissssss off and play out their little derby somewhere elsssse. I want to be able to sssend you some corrupt priessst or some Nazi torturer to play with, and get a few temptable maidens sent my way in return. I want there to be a world. I want there to be room for deals, and arrangements, and civilised talks between sides. I want there to be humanity, and decent alcohol, and Trickster parties when Kit gets Loki drunk and makes him set Coyote on fire. I want your people and mine to ssstop with the freaking apocalypsessss already! I want my world back! Alright?]
... I can't fight them all, Crowley. I can't fight any of them. I've never been a fighter, of all the archangels, and I can't ... They're family. I can't just ...
[I know. You think I want to fight? I mean, Cas may be a soldier, and 'Zira may be a dab hand with a flaming sword, but thisss ... this isn't about fighting. It can't be. If the Ineffable Plan hinges on ussss being able to hold our own in a fair fight, we're already sunk. But ... there hasss to be another way. Thisss is Earth, after all. With free will, and technology, and humans, and all that sneaky glory ... there will be another way. There hassss to be. All I want ... isss for you to help usss find it. That's ... that's all. Come on. Jusst one more little deal, with your favourite demon. Have I ever lead you wrong?]
More times than I can count. But ...
[Just don't sell usss out, that's all I ask. Maybe trick usss out of a tight spot or two. Sssend some useful thingsss our way. Jusst ... ssstay with uss. Part of usss. Come on, archangel. A thoussand yearsss down here, don't you want to keep it around a little longer? Jussst for fun?]
... I won't fight my brothers. Whatever happens, I will not raise my sword against them. Not again. I'm not ... I will not do that. But ... Just a little Arrangement, I suppose it couldn't hurt ...
[Isss it a deal, then? Archangel?]
... You are a serpent, aren't you? Temptation. You could persuade anyone, couldn't you? Did Eve fall this easily?
[Nah. Eve wasss a harridan in waiting. Took me forever to get her to taste. But the lure of the the forbidden ... sssooner or later everyone falls. Sooner or later everyone takessss a little of what they want. Doesn't have to mean anything, though. Doessn't have to hurt. At leasst, not anymore than everything already doess. World'ssss ending, after all. And you ... Gabriel, you want thisss. You know it. And we can give it]
... I want pastry. If I'm going to do this, I want pastry. All an archangel can eat. And alcohol! This goes the way I think it's going to, I'm going to need to get very, very drunk before it's over. And no humans before ten am! I'm not a morning person!
[*grins* I've got a good line on a mead supply, as it happensss. Can't get the stuff anymore, but I happen to know a guy who knowsss a guy ...]
Fine. Fine! You bloody serpent, I'm in. Sign me up, whatever. I'm in.
This better not come back to bite me in the ass.
[Oh, I promise. Anything biting you in the assss, it won't be an arrangement ...]
... Shut up, you dirty demon, and pass me the bloody bottle. If I'm going to be putting up with you, I'm going to get started on the drunk. I'm going to need it.
Contd. Morning
