Incomprehension woes

I found a letter today. Dated a few months back, a copy for me of a letter from my old doctor to my new one. I hadn't opened it. I think I may have forgotten about it. Heh.

It says I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome. *smiles lopsidedly* Interesting turn of phrase. Usually, I'd say that's not the case (repeated break-downs aside), but sometimes ... Yeah, I guess I rather do, a bit. Heh.

Oi. Never mind me. I've just had a series of fairly exhausting emotional-type conversations with people over the past few days, and I think ... I think most of them were kind of surprised by the level of utter incomprehension on my part. Obviously, I've been hiding it fairly well most of my life, even from family. I don't know, since the diagnosis ... My dad thought having the diagnosis would help me. I suppose it might have. It's too early to tell yet. What it did do, kinda, was let me know that the things I don't understand, and pretend I do? On the theory that I should have known? Yeah. I'm allowed to visibly not understand those things.

Whether that will actually help or not is another question. And I say this only because ... For some reason I don't quite understand, my lack of emotional comprehension actually seems to cause people pain. And I don't understand it. It's not ... It's not because it means I can't do anything, because I couldn't anyway. The actual fact of my incomprehension itself causes pain. And I don't know why.

People don't seem to like it if you apply logic to emotions. I mean, vehemently don't like. Even the concept of it. As if they should be antithesis to each other. As if ... constraining emotion within logical bounds is abhorent in some way.

Never mind my attempting to explain that I meant, not that emotion should function by logical rules, but that emotion itself carries an internal logic. Emotion is a system (albeit one I don't understand), with its own rules and cause-effect linkages, its own logic. Theoretically, if you can access that logic, you can understand emotion (or if you operate on that logic to start with, on such a fundamental level that you don't notice it anymore). This is the theory I've been operating under in all my attempts to understand emotional interaction.

It's not working so well. *smiles sheepishly*

But even making that attempt, even making that assumption, appears to be an abhorent concept to an emotional being (or at least, the few I've attempted to interact with on any real level - could just be a family thing, I guess). I don't understand that, either. I can't function differently. I mean, I genuinely am never going to understand it by whatever method they believe they are using. I either understand it logically, as a system, or I don't understand it at all. I don't have another ... I can't even imagine ... I don't know what other way there is. I mean, presumably they exist, since other people operate on them, but ... I don't know what that system looks like. I don't know how it works. I can't use it.

I don't understand why that is somehow an ... why that is ... I don't know the word. I don't understand why it appears to cause pain, or anger. Even, maybe, some hint of ... I'm not sure. Contempt? Pity? What's the word for when someone thinks a thing is wrong, in some fundamental way? That.

I believe the system exists. I believe there are rules for how emotions operate, for how people operate in an emotional context. The system exists. Theoretically, it's crackable. Theoretically, once you understand the rules, you can use the system.

Unfortunately, I don't understand the rules. I can't see the shape of the system. I can't see it. And until I can, I'm not going to be able to use it. Until I can, I'm going to be looking at you in blank incomprehension when you try to explain, and there's nothing I can do about that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry it causes pain. I don't know why it does, but I'm sorry for it. There's nothing I can do.

Except try to pretend again. I could do that. Maybe. *sighs* I don't know. Would it do any good?

I'm really not good at this. *wonky smile* Can you tell?

Systems

While it's in my head, really.

The system exists.

I've had this described as an Article of my Faith. Heh. And I rather suppose it is, at that. Faith because I have no proof, only a bone-deep conviction that smacks more than a little of desperation. *smiles faintly* But it is an article of my faith. I do believe it. I rather think I have to. Otherwise I'd go quite mad (naturally this assumes that such an event has not already happened - a questionable assumption, really).

The system exists. There are rules in operation, a cause-and-effect to all things. A multiplicity of them, it's true, and the overall system is not a monolith, but a vast and intricate interlocking of myriad smaller systems into a whole, with certain rules underlying. Many of those rules we can't see yet, don't understand, and then we think it chaos, but the rules exist, they really do, we just can't see them. There is an underlying rationality to all things. Everything has a cause. Everything comes from somewhere, some confluence of factors in the interlocking of systems that gives birth to that thing, in that time. There is reason. The system exists.

I think that might be the closest thing to a Grand Purpose that I understand. To exist. To have come from somewhere. To be presented with a world that has a cause itself. To interact with that world in such a way that satisfies the system inside you, the internal rules that govern you. To have a reason, even if only in causation. My purpose is to exist as part of the system. I'm not sure ... what else is needed. I was caused. I exist. I have internal reason. I interact, and in doing so perpetuate causation. I become part of the confluence of factors, part of the system, that causes things. That perpetuates existence. That is ... satisfying. That is ... rational. *smiles faintly*

The system exists. There is reason. I am part of it. This is, perhaps, the sum of my faith.

It is not a bad thing to believe, I think. Heh.

TV show meme

Snagged from shadadukal.

Rules: Bold all of the following TV shows which you've ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime. Underline a show if you're positive you've seen every episode of it. If you want, add up to 3 additional shows (keep the list in alphabetical order), but you must delete one show for each one that you add.

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