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I might get Bond done tomorrow. I just wanted to do them in order. *shrugs sheepishly*
Grace
[Okay. If I had to pick my favourite of all the SPN fic I've written ... this would be it. It spent three weeks lurking on my laptop, in varying stages of completion, while I did other fics around it, and just quietly latched onto my brain. I so, so, so wish we could have seen something like it on the show]
In the end, it wasn't hard to find Castiel. Not for him, anyway. A millennium's worth of contacts on this little mudball, they helped, but more to the point he's Gabriel. He's the Messenger, or had been, and once upon a time that meant there was no soul within the purview of Heaven that was not his to find at will. [Between that and his speed, and his disguise, it's really no surprise Heaven never found him. If Heaven even bothered to look] Even now, even veiled in a Trickster's power, that part of him couldn't be denied. And Castiel ... oh, but his brother's soul did draw him. Pulled him from the heavens, freed him from the earth. Castiel, who should be the least of them now, and somehow, still, was not. [I think we've established by now that I fangirl Cas, yes? Well, both of them. This fic really was me celebrating that]
Castiel felt him coming, this time. Little brother was getting more wary, these days. Possibly the term 'paranoid' could be used, but Gabriel's pretty sure that only counts if they're not actually out to get you, and he'd been having words with Raphael lately. And by words, he meant ... He didn't know what he meant, what they'd been. Not friendly, anyway. He still wasn't completely sure when his Healer brother became the most smite-happy angel in the spheres, but having seen it, he understood Castiel's attitude a bit better. [It's weird, writing from Gabe's POV. Trying to get that strange edge of humour he has, resting uneasily over the rest of him]
He just wished he'd know all that before he'd kicked the shit out of Cas. [I still want to know just where he sent Cas in 5x08, and why Cas came back all beaten up] He'd wondered why the little guy had been so terrified, and so scarily determined. It was one thing to be scared of him because of his natural power and awesomeness, but what he'd seen in Castiel ... that had been something else. He hadn't understood it at the time, but apparently having your essence ripped comprehensively to shreds by the most focused and skilled archangel in existence would do that to you. Especially if it was followed up by every other archangel in existence deciding to take a few pot shots for good measure. [Cas hides fear very, very well, but it's not something you come away from without a few hangups, is it? And Gabriel didn't mean to play on that. Not then]
All things considered, freakish determination and kicked-puppy look aside, Castiel was actually coping pretty well. Which was sort of what he wanted to talk to him about, if the bloody angel would just stay still for a minute ...
He ran him down finally on a beach just down the coast from Santa Barbara, which, alright, revealed somewhat more taste than he would have credited the guy with. Castiel turned at bay in the sand, the sea licking at his heels, and there was a touch there, of showmanship, of drama, that Gabriel couldn't help but appreciate. Much like the Winchesters he'd taken to following around, if Castiel was going to go down, he obviously intended to make a good show of it. And if there was anything on this Earth Gabriel still appreciated ... it was a good show. [As do I, which was why ... I just really liked the image, Cas turning at bay in the surf ... I have a thing for the sea. I don't know ... reading back over this, did I ever actually specify whether it was day or night? I don't think I did. But it was night in my head, moonlight, the small figure of the archangel landing at the head of the beach, the taller angel crouched slightly in the waves, moon gleaming off the sword in his hand ... *snorts* Gods, reading over that, it sounds like the cover image of a romance novel. *snickers at self* But I love the picture they make, for a moment here]
Just for that, he decided not to completely freak the poor guy out.[Gabriel can be nice! Sometimes. Occasionally]
He appeared at the top of the beach, well out of range of anything the weaker angel could try to do, but also as a courtesy, to let Castiel brace himself as he strolled down the sand towards him. Let him pull some dignity around him, instead of lashing out on instinct against a closer target. What? He could remember to be nice once in a while. [And also so he could take his time and swagger impressively down to him, but we won't mention that ...]
"Castiel," he greeted, smirking faintly. The lesser angel stiffened, chin tilting up in instinctive challenge, blue eyes flashing with defiance and what was left of his Grace. He made a hell of a picture, actually, and Gabriel could feel himself eyeing it appreciatively. Castiel swallowed hard. [That's something ... Misha Collins, I swear, he does something with his eyes, you can actually see Cas in there ... I don't know how he does it ... And Grace, in my head, is blue-white, just a flare ...]
"Gabriel," he returned, quietly. He had a sword in his hand that he knew Gabriel would never give him a chance to use, and his fingers clenched around it. [I love, love, adore this angel, standing up to things that could smash him with a sneeze, the set his jaw gets, the wary, watching look ... *growls at self* Stop fangirling! Stop it!]
Gabriel waited, hoping for something more. A challenge. A 'what do you want'. A 'leave me alone'. A 'how have you been', even, though he confessed that one was more than a little unlikely. [*snuggles the archangel, cautiously* He's been alone too long, Gabriel. He ran because he had to, because he actually had the guts to leave a family he no longer believed in, but he's the last of them who should have been alone] Not just from Castiel. No-one in his family gave a shit how he was of late. But Castiel ... He sighed. Once upon a time, he remembered seeing the lesser angel and thinking 'that guy could outwait an ice age if he had to'. Once upon a time, he remembered thinking he should try it, freeze him in a glacier and see what he did. Actually, he should probably have realised at that point that the whole archangel gig was probably not for him, if he was going around thinking things like that. But he hadn't done it, in the end. Not because it would have gotten him in trouble. But because Castiel would have waited. There was just no fun in watching that kind of patience play itself out. Gabriel was a Messenger. He was fast. He didn't do waiting.[I'm not sure where this impression came from. Maybe it was from 5x10, watching him in that circle of fire. Just the idea that Cas, when there's nothing that needs doing, or when he's forced to wait, does so with just this grim, silent resolution that would outlast stars. Certainly it outlasts Gabriel, who can't sit still to save his life]
Which was why he was the first to cave this time around too. Castiel couldn't leave unless Gabriel let him, but that didn't mean the little guy was in any mood to cooperate, and Gabriel could just see the thought behind his eyes, the determination, the faint hint of smugness. Even facing a being that could literally wipe him from existence with a click of his fingers. Even after having been already wiped from existence by said being's brother. It was almost impressive. [*smiles* Cas is a master of passive-aggression. Ask Uriel. Or Dean. Or Zach. Or, I suspect, Crowley. He's a servant, but he's never servile. *grins at him*]
Damn. Fine. So he might admire the pipsqueak a little.
"I've been looking for you," he said casually, ignoring the twitch of Castiel's eyebrows. Gabriel had a feeling that if Dean had managed to get to it yet in his whole educate-the-oblivious-angel programme, Castiel would right this minute be rolling his eyes and saying 'duh'. But that was fine. What he had to say next would drop him right back down a peg or twenty. "I've been talking to Raphael, you see." [Gabriel, though, is more than capable of playing dirty himself. More than capable. One gets the impression Heaven teaches you that rather quickly ...]
Right on the money. Castiel flinched down to his bones, holding himself rigid to try and hide it, and his eyes flickered away. Defiance to badly concealed terror in zero seconds. Not bad going, even for a Trickster as long in the game as he'd been.
He wondered why there was no satisfaction in it, then. [*smiles gently at him* Because you don't want to hurt people, especially not your family. Much as you might sometimes think you do]
"See, I've been a bit out of the loop for a while," he went on, tilting his head and prowling around the other angel, watching the faint tremors of him, seeing how Castiel only let his eyes follow him, because if he moved his body, all that fear would show, all that terror, and even now the kid was too stubborn for that. [Again, this was that scene in 5x10 coming back again. And even a little of 5x03] "I mean, I've known that Micheal and Lucy were back in business. Hard to miss that. And I knew the Winchesters were ground zero for it. And I knew they had a dinky little rebel angel following them around. Looking for Daddy. All that I knew. But what I didn't know ... was what that angel had done." [If Gabe's been going by word of mouth for info, there was a lot he would have missed, a lot of the details of what had been done to Cas and the boys. Heaven's closed to him, and while he did track Raph down in the backstory for this fic, it was more a hit-and-run kinda deal, and he made sure to cover his tracks behind him]
He stopped, peering up into Castiel's pale features, trying to catch and hold that fierce, trembling gaze. Castiel refused, sliding his eyes away, looking down at the sand. There was a faint flicker of a frown, as he noticed that the sea had rushed forward to play with his feet, soaking his trousers, and he tried to let it distract him, let it take him away from the question in Gabriel's eyes, but the archangel rather thought that there was nothing on this Earth that could have taken Castiel away from his fear in that moment. [Again, this was just an image I loved. Cas with his head bowed, looking away, and Gabe peering up at him. *smiles* Like that scene in 4x22, between Cas and Dean. With Cas, most of the talking is with the eyes]
Well, maybe one thing.
"You died for them," he whispered, reaching out to physically pull Castiel's head around, to make him meet Gabriel's eyes. "You challenged Raphael for them. You died. You died, and you came back, and believe me, if Raphael had been even a fraction smarter than he was, if there was an angel in existence who could lie to me, he would never have told me that. They are keeping that as quiet as they possibly, possibly can. Because that, little brother ... that is a very scary thing. Do you even know how terrifying they find that knowledge?"
[I think that threw everyone for a loop. Especially the angels. Because that was so not part of the game-plan on their end, and there are only so many beings with the power to do that, and of those, they really, really hope it's Lucy. Because if it's God, if what Cas suspects is true, then that means the Big Guy isn't on their side. He doesn't approve. And angel's don't do well with the idea that they might be wrong, and I think more than a few of them, like Cas, have had little niggling doubts for a while now ... which is why his resurrection is strictly need-to-know, and anyone who might get the wrong idea really, really doesn't need to know. But for Gabriel, though, the point is that Cas died, and died for a pair of mildly amusing nobodies, as far as he's concerned. And this both baffles and worries the hell out of him]
Castiel blinked at him, fear sliding away as confusion made it's way to the fore, and oh, Gabriel remembered this too. This little brother, who could ask a thousand questions with one faint, befuddled look, who could make the certainty of archangels tremble as they tried to answer them. No wonder they feared him. Right now, with the lives of billions in play, with the end of the world nigh, no-one wanted to look into blue eyes and have to doubt. No-one. [I think this is part of why Cas sometimes comes off as naive. He's not, but he has that way about him, that puzzled look that forces you to try and explain things. Like a five year old asking 'Dad, when is Mommy coming back?'. Those armour-piercing questions that make you doubt every decision you've ever made, and he doesn't even have to ask them out loud. Cas thinks about things, things like why he's not allowed to like his charges, and why they have to get hurt, and why his superiors want the apocalypse to happen, and whether or not the human maybe has a point ... And people like Zach absolutely hate him for it, because the wrong question at the wrong time could destroy the whole thing. Could make them realise that they might be wrong]
"I didn't know," he whispered, almost gently. "When I locked you away, when I hurt you, made you fight. I didn't know what you'd done. What you'd faced. I didn't know what Raphael had done to you, or what you were given in return. If I had ..." [And he wouldn't have. Gabriel wouldn't have hurt him, had he known. Oh, he'd still have locked him away, still brushed him aside, but he wouldn't have sent Cas to wherever he got so beat up. Not out of pity so much as the fact that Gabriel only goes after assholes, after people like Zach and what half of Heaven seems to have become, and if he'd known what Cas had done he would have known that Cas wasn't like that anymore. Well. Not as much, anyway. Gabriel doesn't teach lessons that don't need teaching]
And there, finally, a spark of something other than fear. A brief flare of anger, of contempt, of soft pity. "You would have done exactly the same," Castiel growled softly, with the hard eyes of someone who knows for sure, who knows beyond doubt, that if anyone at all has the chance to hurt him, they will. [Cas has become more and more bitter, of late] And it's strange, how truly guilty that made Gabriel feel, when nothing on Heaven and Earth had managed that in too long to count. Briefly, he had to wonder if their Father had made this angel for the sole purpose of playing other angels like harps. [*smiles* Granted, it's not an unwarranted suspicion, if we're taking the whole 'omniscient plan' thing into account, but really, Gabriel just doesn't like how easily Cas makes him feel guilty. He doesn't like being shamed into things]
"Maybe," he said, stepping back with a little shrug, an old and faintly bitter smile. "We'll never know for sure, I guess. Anyway. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about." That chin went right back up again, wary and challenging, and Gabriel stifled a grin. Castiel, little brother, you've been spending far too much time around the Winchesters. Far too much. [*smiles, tilts head* He goes from arrogant, demanding angel a-la Zach, to defiant, bitter underdog. The Winchester diet of alcohol, terror and impossible odds. Works wonders every time] And that there ... "What is it you see in them, little brother?" he asked, genuinely curious. "What is it about them that makes an angel defy archangels and the Will of God for their sakes?" [Because he doesn't get it. Sam and Dean are interesting, and fun, but they're nothing to get killed over, as far as he's concerned]
"It was not ..." Castiel said rapidly, then paused. Slowed, thought about it. Gabriel tipped his head to watch him, idly fascinated by the tiny flickers of emotion, muffled and stiff, but clear as day. [Again, how does Misha Collins do that?]With some practice, you could read this angel like a book, he thought. "It was not His will," Castiel finished at last, slowly, dipping his head a little in faint shame. Defiance, certainty, belief, but still shame, like this was an opinion he had no right to hold. [Cas has a lot of opinions he shouldn't. It's only the longer he spends with humanity, and the Winchesters in particular, that he gets used to airing them. Nervously, because they've already gotten him killed once, and Gabriel is an archangel]
It wasn't, really, but that was neither here nor there.
"Really," he drawled, enjoying the way the lesser angel's shoulders stiffened, his head dipping as if to accept a blow. Humility, despite the daring. Given exactly how much courage and/or pride it took for any angel to have an original thought these days, that was new. "And what makes you think you, of all people, can judge that?" Please, kid, give me the right answer here. Let me know I'm not wrong about this. [Gabriel, though, has his own opinions, opinions that drove him out of Heaven, opinions that in the end forced him into the Apocalypse on humanity's side. He doesn't intend to take Cas to task for his. He just wants to know how willing the other angel is to fight for them]
Castiel looked at him, head angled obliquely so that he managed to look like he was looking up at Gabriel, despite being the taller. It was a good trick, really, a subtle deference and an odd show of power, that he could bow before an archangel, but only by making a conscious effort. That this respect was offered by choice, not natural order. Oh, well done, kid. Well done. [*grins* I just liked that. That image. I wanted so, so, soooo badly to have seen the pair of them onscreen together. They both talk so much with body-language, with their eyes. I wish I could have seen them play off each other]
"He asked us to look after them," Castiel said at last, softly, thoughtfully. "He made this world for them. All of it, both good and ill. And they ... know it. Even if they do not believe. Even if they have no faith. They know this is how it was meant to be. They know they have a right to live." [It's very, very odd, coming at this via a character who has faith. But rationality and faith can go together. In fact, they go together rather well, considering the rational realisation of exactly how much is out there that we don't know. And from Cas' POV ... for him, God is a concrete reality, and the only question after that is what that God meant them to do. He just thinks they were maybe supposed to work with what they actually got by way of a world/people, instead of trying to force those people to be what they want, the way Zach & co do]
Gabriel snorted. "So, they're the most arrogant beings in creation. How is this a good thing?" [Point. Let's be honest, humanity, even outside the massive pessimism of SPN, is not exactly without flaw]
"No." Castiel's eyes were fierce again, shining with the tattered shards of Grace, gently forcing Gabriel's to meet them. To see what they held. [Gods, he's so beautiful. Cas, I mean, not Misha, although the man's no slouch. But Cas, for what he is, for the strength and the weakness of him, for the determination and the foolishness, for the bitterness and the faith. Cas is beautiful] "They are not the arrogant ones. Our Father gave them the right to choose. He gave them free will. It is us ... our arrogance, to think we have the right to take that away. To undo what our Father has done. To take back what He has given." He frowned, not condemning, but pitying. "Dean, Sam ... they do not fight just to fight, just to be ... to be contrary." [... *snorts* Okay, like Cas says, not just to be contrary. Just ... mostly]
Gabriel felt something flicker through him at that, a quirk at the corner of his mouth. "Sure about that?" he murmured, and for a second Castiel actually forgot to be afraid of him long enough to smirk back a little. And now Gabriel was feeling something like pride. Oh yes. Father made Castiel purely for use as emotional blackmail, he just knew it. [How sad is it, that he really just wants a brother he can joke with, and make smile? And how, over time, that desire to make them laugh evolved into a strange kind of self-defense, a kind of laughing at himself to hide the cracks underneath. When Cas is afraid, he goes all grim and determined. When Gabriel is afraid, he laughs and makes a fool of himself]
"Well," Cas allowed. "Not just to be awkward." [And the odd thing is, it works. Amusement softens anger, or fear] Then he sobered, a little, and saddened. "They have the right to say no. They want to say no." His voice gained an edge, a vehemence. "All that matters to them in creation is in this world, and they have the right not to see it destroyed simply because angels have gotten ... impatient." [The end of the world and the final plan are one thing. Zach's little chivvy-the-apocalypse-along-so-we-can-retire-already idea, while understandable, is not nearly so acceptable]
That last was almost a growl, and Gabriel looked at him for a long minute. Studied him. For long enough that Castiel started to curl in on himself again. Not out of a lack of a conviction. Out of fear. But he still met Gabriel's gaze, still shone with that depthless, immovable faith, that terrified, almost human challenge. Castiel looked at him, and Gabriel knew. Oh, how he knew. He knew what this angel was, what he represented, what he meant.
Castiel was the broken pillar. The ruined temple, the shattered mount. Castiel was the sad remnant of past glory, and the bitter reminder of their mistakes. Castiel was the man blinded by cruelty, staring into the sun and reaching out with simple grace into its warmth. Castiel was torn from Heaven, cast to Earth, reduced to all but human, and still, even still, he was all that remained of what angels were meant to be. One last, stained purity in a world rapidly going down the toilet. [Look, I did say I fangirled him like crazy, didn't I? Gabriel may be my favourite, but it was Cas who actually got me to watch the show. I love the sheer depth of him. And he is. He is the last remnant of what angels were meant to be, in SPN-verse, anyway. He is broken, and shrunken, and almost human, but he has faith none of the rest of them do, and loyalty, and a determination to do right no matter the cost to himself, a determination to serve and protect, and that's what angels are for. Not to destroy a world and invite apocalypse just to satisfy their own needs]
No wonder his brothers kept trying to destroy him. Even just looking at him was more pain than Gabriel had allowed himself to feel in more than ten centuries. [And the thing is, I think the others know that. They know it. And they have to destroy it, the way the Beast in 'Beauty and the Beast' smashed all the mirrors, to avoid seeing the reflection of how warped he'd become. People have a sad tendancy to lash out at those things that make them realise their own flaws]
"Maybe," he heard himself say at last, distantly, quietly. "Maybe. But haven't we ... don't we deserve ..." He stopped, trying to think how to make himself understood. Trying to think why he wanted this brother to understand. But Castiel ... there was faith in Castiel. More faith than Gabriel had seen in a long, long time. Faith enough to touch, maybe. Faith enough to ... to forgive. "Little brother, we are tired. So many of us, all of us ... Until Lucifer and Michael face each other, this war just won't end, and I ... and we ..." [And at the same time, you do understand where Raph and Zach and Michael and Gabriel are coming from. This is a war they've been fighting for millennia. Not just a war, but a civil war, against their own brothers. And the only thing stopping them from ending it is the fact that to do so, they'll have to destroy humanity too. After so long, being that tired, that hurt, that damned fed up ... you can sort of understand why they might think it worth it, especially when humanity (or at least the deserving parts of it) will get paradise as a result. You can sort of see their point of view]
"I know," said Castiel, softly. "I know. But it is still not our right, to hold them responsible. To make them suffer. These are our mistakes, Gabriel. Not theirs." [Then again, killing innocents (in that conflict, at least) to sort out your own problems is never really a good thing to be doing]
"They broke the seals," he answered. Petulantly. "They're not innocent, Castiel." [Speaking about Sam and Dean, specifically, because it's easier than dealing with the vast scope of what this has become. Even Cas made his choice for them. And they aren't innocent. Manipulated, yes, but they knowingly made bad choices. They just never quite realised what scale of bad choice they were making]
"No," the lesser angel answered, steadily, and Gabriel blinked. He'd been expecting a denial, there. He been expecting ... "They are not innocent. But they are good, Gabriel. They are right. They are worth fighting for. Worth dying for." Castiel stared at him, reached for him, Grace fading and crumbling around him, trying to show him, trying to make Gabriel understand. "For good or ill, our Father gave them the choice. He gave it to them, Gabriel. To deny them that ... What have we become, that we would deny them that?" [Because we can put pretty justifications on what we're doing until the cows come home, but in the end we have to face up to the reality of it. And that's what Cas does. He looks his own actions in the eye the way he looks at archangels about to fall at him. Head-on. Knowing. When he makes a choice, he makes it knowing the consequences to himself and others. Now, sometimes he makes bad ones, sometimes he sacrifices things that shouldn't really be sacrificed, but he at least acknowledges that, unlike Zach, and he values what was lost ... To be honest, you sort of feel sorry for the likes of Gabriel, being faced with Cas. Gabriel couldn't bear to hurt his family, to watch them hurt each other. Cas can. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't flinch from it, either. Bastard]
What have we become? And wasn't that the sixty-four dollar question ...
"I don't know," he said at last. He didn't. None of them did. Not any more. Not since ... not since the Morningstar first Fell, maybe. Not since they first realised they were not pure. They were not right. Not since they realised that angels could be wrong. That angels could act against their Father. That even angels had a choice. Not since they realised that when God gave the humans free will, He might have changed more than just the world. He might have changed them, too. Not since Father left, and took his orders with Him, and suddenly none of them knew what to do. There were no orders. There hadn't been for centuries. Only the prophecies, and the pain, and the burning hatred that rested between brothers. [They were used to certainty. They were used to following orders, and knowing those orders were right, no matter how terrible they sometimes were. When they lost that ... Angels don't deal well with uncertainty. Neither do humans, of course, but at least we're used to it. They weren't. They weren't supposed to have free will. They weren't supposed to have to make choices. And when God left them, lost and uncertain, they really were ripe for the likes of Zach to pick up and use as he pleased ... All they could do was follow the old orders, and trust that their superiors would see them right, when most of those superiors were either drowning in grief and fanatic loyalty, like Michael, or out for themselves, like Zach]
What had they become? Lost. Alone. Almost human. And that ... that was poetic justice worthy of a Trickster, and if anyone ever found their bloody Father, Gabriel was going to have words with Him about that. There was a difference between having a sense of humour, and just being cruel ... [Because He knew. He had to know. He knew what would happen when He left, what they'd become, what they'd do to try and shore themselves up ... and part of me thinks that's what He wanted, that He wanted them to learn to make choices, to be themselves, to be free ... but another part can't help but think that wasn't the best way He could have gone about it. Obedience is not a habit you can quit cold-turkey, and most of them broke trying - they're not wrong to be pissed about it. They're just wrong to go taking it out on humanity]
Even as he thought it, he could see Sam bloody Winchester, looking at him with desolate eyes as he begged for his brother's return, and fine, fine, he got the fucking point, already! [Gabriel realising that people in glass houses shouldn't go throwing stones, no matter how deserved they might be. Given his acts as a Trickster ...]
Dad, wherever you are, I hope you're laughing at this!
"Screw this," he muttered, snapping back to reality to find Castiel frowning at him. In concern, and after everything, after all of it, that ... that just about finished him. That just about broke him. He'd been lost, abandoned, in all likelihood laughed at while he struggled to learn the most basic of lessons, the lesson he'd taught to thousands of humans in his turn and never learnt for himself [He spent so long knocking arrogant humans down a few pegs, and never realised his own arrogance. And the horrible thing is, he's one of the least arrogant of them, with the least need to be ashamed, and he's the only one who will be, him and Cas, because they're the only ones who'll look at themselves long enough], and now, here and now, the one angel in Heaven or Hell with no cause to care about him, the one angel who might have the right to want him hurt ... that angel looked at him in concern. [How hard is it, to get concern just in time to feel like you don't deserve it? *snuggles him*] Because that angel, alone of all of them, had watched two humans, and learned. That angel had kept his faith, looked at what their Father had made, and understood.
"Come here," he said, abruptly. Snapped, really. Castiel flinched, concern slipping back behind fear. But not, he noted, disappearing. Fuck. Fine. "Castiel. Just come here!" [I don't think he's very good at this whole 'being nice' thing -_-;]
"Gabriel ..." So scared. So battered. So alone. Castiel had really had the shit kicked out of him, hadn't he? Well, screw that, too. [Cas may have every reason to be afraid now, but give Gabe a while, we'll see if we can change that ...]
"Please," he said, gently. It wasn't like he had any pride left, after all. He'd seen what pride did to angels, in the end, and while he might be a slow learner in this one instance, he wasn't stupid. He could afford this. He could afford to say please, when it was important. "Cas. Please."
And Castiel looked at him, looked at him long and hard, eyes bright with fear and strength and faith, and then his brother laid down his sword, and came to him. Castiel reached out, human body humming with fear, Grace trembling in readiness to be torn once again, but he reached out. Though it shook him to the core, he reached out to his brother. [*reaches out for them longingly* Gods, these two are so damn beautiful. I'm biased, I'm so very biased, they are so totally my favourites, but ...]
Oh God, Gabriel had missed ... but he wasn't going to think about that. He'd had enough moping for one evening. So instead, he reached out in his turn, wrapped his arms around his little brother, and poured all the power of his Grace into him. He reached out, power and light and glory, and poured himself into Castiel's Grace, into his soul, touching the wounds Raphael had left, Zachariah, Lucifer, Michael ... touched what his brothers had torn, and pulled it back together, wrapped it back up, filled it once again. Castiel gasped, pain and relief and weeping amazement, shuddered into him, his taller form curling around Gabriel's, his Grace reaching out in wonder, and Gabriel could feel himself weep at the love in him, could feel himself shake at the joy. [*spreads hands helplessly* There are some things more intimate ... It caught me, with SPN, with angels. This and the wings. Some things so fraught and so precious ... It caught me]
"Brother," Castiel whispered, stunned. "Gabriel." He slid to his knees, clinging to Gabriel, unable to stand against the rush of feeling, against the power of an archangel. Castiel had learned to fight many times. He'd learned to stand tall against violence. But never, and Gabriel knew this now, never, had Castiel ever had the chance to learn how to stand against kindness. Against compassion. [He doesn't. He doesn't know how. Neither of them do]
No angel had.
"Hush, kiddo," he said, gruffly, holding tight as the lesser angel sagged, lowering him gently to the sand, following him down. "Just ... just hush, alright? It doesn't mean anything. Just ... just hush." He could feel tears in his eyes, could see them standing in the blue ones staring up at him, could feel the depth of pain and love behind them. How long? How long had it been, since any angel had known this? Since before the first Fall, for him. And Castiel ... he wondered if Castiel ever had. "It doesn't mean anything. I'm not ... I don't ... It doesn't mean anything." [It doesn't mean anything because I can't keep this up, it's too much, and I can't promise anything, and you can't, you can't depend on me. Please, just take it as it is, and let it go. Please, just that]
Castiel looked at him, all awe and wonder and faint confusion, the angel who could question and make God answer, and then ... then he smiled. Soft and faint as fading Grace, strong as an archangel's power. He reached out through renewed Grace, spread innocent wings, and wrapped them around Gabriel in return. While Gabriel stared at him in stunned fear, he reached up, laid a hand on the archangel's cheek, and smiled.
"Yes, it does," Castiel whispered gravely. "Thank you, brother. Thank you." [Because Cas won't ask for more, and it's the people who don't ask who make you want to give, and it matters. It does matter]
That was too much. "Don't thank me," he said. Growled. Scolded. "Don't thank me. I haven't done anything." And then, for some unfathomable reason, despite the exhaustion of millennia, despite a thousand years of hiding, despite every self-preserving instinct he had, Gabriel found himself whispering: "... Yet." [How are you supposed to say 'no' to Cas?]
Castiel's smile was like the sun coming up, on a world that had not seen it in years, and for the first time since he'd left Heaven, Gabriel wondered if maybe their Father hadn't been wrong to give them this. This world, this choice, this fear, this pain, this love. He looked at his little brother, and wondered if maybe there was hope for them all yet. Castiel smiled, and Gabriel found reason to hope. [The thing about having to make choices is sometimes you get to make the right one, and that triumph is yours and yours alone]
The kid was made to play people like harps, he was sure of it. But maybe he'd forgive Dad for that. [Because maybe Cas knows what he's doing to Gabriel, and maybe God always knew about it, but this once he can forgive that, because this once he's getting something back. He's getting a brother who cares, and it's worth it]
Just this once.
[End}
[Okay. If I had to pick my favourite of all the SPN fic I've written ... this would be it. It spent three weeks lurking on my laptop, in varying stages of completion, while I did other fics around it, and just quietly latched onto my brain. I so, so, so wish we could have seen something like it on the show]
In the end, it wasn't hard to find Castiel. Not for him, anyway. A millennium's worth of contacts on this little mudball, they helped, but more to the point he's Gabriel. He's the Messenger, or had been, and once upon a time that meant there was no soul within the purview of Heaven that was not his to find at will. [Between that and his speed, and his disguise, it's really no surprise Heaven never found him. If Heaven even bothered to look] Even now, even veiled in a Trickster's power, that part of him couldn't be denied. And Castiel ... oh, but his brother's soul did draw him. Pulled him from the heavens, freed him from the earth. Castiel, who should be the least of them now, and somehow, still, was not. [I think we've established by now that I fangirl Cas, yes? Well, both of them. This fic really was me celebrating that]
Castiel felt him coming, this time. Little brother was getting more wary, these days. Possibly the term 'paranoid' could be used, but Gabriel's pretty sure that only counts if they're not actually out to get you, and he'd been having words with Raphael lately. And by words, he meant ... He didn't know what he meant, what they'd been. Not friendly, anyway. He still wasn't completely sure when his Healer brother became the most smite-happy angel in the spheres, but having seen it, he understood Castiel's attitude a bit better. [It's weird, writing from Gabe's POV. Trying to get that strange edge of humour he has, resting uneasily over the rest of him]
He just wished he'd know all that before he'd kicked the shit out of Cas. [I still want to know just where he sent Cas in 5x08, and why Cas came back all beaten up] He'd wondered why the little guy had been so terrified, and so scarily determined. It was one thing to be scared of him because of his natural power and awesomeness, but what he'd seen in Castiel ... that had been something else. He hadn't understood it at the time, but apparently having your essence ripped comprehensively to shreds by the most focused and skilled archangel in existence would do that to you. Especially if it was followed up by every other archangel in existence deciding to take a few pot shots for good measure. [Cas hides fear very, very well, but it's not something you come away from without a few hangups, is it? And Gabriel didn't mean to play on that. Not then]
All things considered, freakish determination and kicked-puppy look aside, Castiel was actually coping pretty well. Which was sort of what he wanted to talk to him about, if the bloody angel would just stay still for a minute ...
He ran him down finally on a beach just down the coast from Santa Barbara, which, alright, revealed somewhat more taste than he would have credited the guy with. Castiel turned at bay in the sand, the sea licking at his heels, and there was a touch there, of showmanship, of drama, that Gabriel couldn't help but appreciate. Much like the Winchesters he'd taken to following around, if Castiel was going to go down, he obviously intended to make a good show of it. And if there was anything on this Earth Gabriel still appreciated ... it was a good show. [As do I, which was why ... I just really liked the image, Cas turning at bay in the surf ... I have a thing for the sea. I don't know ... reading back over this, did I ever actually specify whether it was day or night? I don't think I did. But it was night in my head, moonlight, the small figure of the archangel landing at the head of the beach, the taller angel crouched slightly in the waves, moon gleaming off the sword in his hand ... *snorts* Gods, reading over that, it sounds like the cover image of a romance novel. *snickers at self* But I love the picture they make, for a moment here]
Just for that, he decided not to completely freak the poor guy out.[Gabriel can be nice! Sometimes. Occasionally]
He appeared at the top of the beach, well out of range of anything the weaker angel could try to do, but also as a courtesy, to let Castiel brace himself as he strolled down the sand towards him. Let him pull some dignity around him, instead of lashing out on instinct against a closer target. What? He could remember to be nice once in a while. [And also so he could take his time and swagger impressively down to him, but we won't mention that ...]
"Castiel," he greeted, smirking faintly. The lesser angel stiffened, chin tilting up in instinctive challenge, blue eyes flashing with defiance and what was left of his Grace. He made a hell of a picture, actually, and Gabriel could feel himself eyeing it appreciatively. Castiel swallowed hard. [That's something ... Misha Collins, I swear, he does something with his eyes, you can actually see Cas in there ... I don't know how he does it ... And Grace, in my head, is blue-white, just a flare ...]
"Gabriel," he returned, quietly. He had a sword in his hand that he knew Gabriel would never give him a chance to use, and his fingers clenched around it. [I love, love, adore this angel, standing up to things that could smash him with a sneeze, the set his jaw gets, the wary, watching look ... *growls at self* Stop fangirling! Stop it!]
Gabriel waited, hoping for something more. A challenge. A 'what do you want'. A 'leave me alone'. A 'how have you been', even, though he confessed that one was more than a little unlikely. [*snuggles the archangel, cautiously* He's been alone too long, Gabriel. He ran because he had to, because he actually had the guts to leave a family he no longer believed in, but he's the last of them who should have been alone] Not just from Castiel. No-one in his family gave a shit how he was of late. But Castiel ... He sighed. Once upon a time, he remembered seeing the lesser angel and thinking 'that guy could outwait an ice age if he had to'. Once upon a time, he remembered thinking he should try it, freeze him in a glacier and see what he did. Actually, he should probably have realised at that point that the whole archangel gig was probably not for him, if he was going around thinking things like that. But he hadn't done it, in the end. Not because it would have gotten him in trouble. But because Castiel would have waited. There was just no fun in watching that kind of patience play itself out. Gabriel was a Messenger. He was fast. He didn't do waiting.[I'm not sure where this impression came from. Maybe it was from 5x10, watching him in that circle of fire. Just the idea that Cas, when there's nothing that needs doing, or when he's forced to wait, does so with just this grim, silent resolution that would outlast stars. Certainly it outlasts Gabriel, who can't sit still to save his life]
Which was why he was the first to cave this time around too. Castiel couldn't leave unless Gabriel let him, but that didn't mean the little guy was in any mood to cooperate, and Gabriel could just see the thought behind his eyes, the determination, the faint hint of smugness. Even facing a being that could literally wipe him from existence with a click of his fingers. Even after having been already wiped from existence by said being's brother. It was almost impressive. [*smiles* Cas is a master of passive-aggression. Ask Uriel. Or Dean. Or Zach. Or, I suspect, Crowley. He's a servant, but he's never servile. *grins at him*]
Damn. Fine. So he might admire the pipsqueak a little.
"I've been looking for you," he said casually, ignoring the twitch of Castiel's eyebrows. Gabriel had a feeling that if Dean had managed to get to it yet in his whole educate-the-oblivious-angel programme, Castiel would right this minute be rolling his eyes and saying 'duh'. But that was fine. What he had to say next would drop him right back down a peg or twenty. "I've been talking to Raphael, you see." [Gabriel, though, is more than capable of playing dirty himself. More than capable. One gets the impression Heaven teaches you that rather quickly ...]
Right on the money. Castiel flinched down to his bones, holding himself rigid to try and hide it, and his eyes flickered away. Defiance to badly concealed terror in zero seconds. Not bad going, even for a Trickster as long in the game as he'd been.
He wondered why there was no satisfaction in it, then. [*smiles gently at him* Because you don't want to hurt people, especially not your family. Much as you might sometimes think you do]
"See, I've been a bit out of the loop for a while," he went on, tilting his head and prowling around the other angel, watching the faint tremors of him, seeing how Castiel only let his eyes follow him, because if he moved his body, all that fear would show, all that terror, and even now the kid was too stubborn for that. [Again, this was that scene in 5x10 coming back again. And even a little of 5x03] "I mean, I've known that Micheal and Lucy were back in business. Hard to miss that. And I knew the Winchesters were ground zero for it. And I knew they had a dinky little rebel angel following them around. Looking for Daddy. All that I knew. But what I didn't know ... was what that angel had done." [If Gabe's been going by word of mouth for info, there was a lot he would have missed, a lot of the details of what had been done to Cas and the boys. Heaven's closed to him, and while he did track Raph down in the backstory for this fic, it was more a hit-and-run kinda deal, and he made sure to cover his tracks behind him]
He stopped, peering up into Castiel's pale features, trying to catch and hold that fierce, trembling gaze. Castiel refused, sliding his eyes away, looking down at the sand. There was a faint flicker of a frown, as he noticed that the sea had rushed forward to play with his feet, soaking his trousers, and he tried to let it distract him, let it take him away from the question in Gabriel's eyes, but the archangel rather thought that there was nothing on this Earth that could have taken Castiel away from his fear in that moment. [Again, this was just an image I loved. Cas with his head bowed, looking away, and Gabe peering up at him. *smiles* Like that scene in 4x22, between Cas and Dean. With Cas, most of the talking is with the eyes]
Well, maybe one thing.
"You died for them," he whispered, reaching out to physically pull Castiel's head around, to make him meet Gabriel's eyes. "You challenged Raphael for them. You died. You died, and you came back, and believe me, if Raphael had been even a fraction smarter than he was, if there was an angel in existence who could lie to me, he would never have told me that. They are keeping that as quiet as they possibly, possibly can. Because that, little brother ... that is a very scary thing. Do you even know how terrifying they find that knowledge?"
[I think that threw everyone for a loop. Especially the angels. Because that was so not part of the game-plan on their end, and there are only so many beings with the power to do that, and of those, they really, really hope it's Lucy. Because if it's God, if what Cas suspects is true, then that means the Big Guy isn't on their side. He doesn't approve. And angel's don't do well with the idea that they might be wrong, and I think more than a few of them, like Cas, have had little niggling doubts for a while now ... which is why his resurrection is strictly need-to-know, and anyone who might get the wrong idea really, really doesn't need to know. But for Gabriel, though, the point is that Cas died, and died for a pair of mildly amusing nobodies, as far as he's concerned. And this both baffles and worries the hell out of him]
Castiel blinked at him, fear sliding away as confusion made it's way to the fore, and oh, Gabriel remembered this too. This little brother, who could ask a thousand questions with one faint, befuddled look, who could make the certainty of archangels tremble as they tried to answer them. No wonder they feared him. Right now, with the lives of billions in play, with the end of the world nigh, no-one wanted to look into blue eyes and have to doubt. No-one. [I think this is part of why Cas sometimes comes off as naive. He's not, but he has that way about him, that puzzled look that forces you to try and explain things. Like a five year old asking 'Dad, when is Mommy coming back?'. Those armour-piercing questions that make you doubt every decision you've ever made, and he doesn't even have to ask them out loud. Cas thinks about things, things like why he's not allowed to like his charges, and why they have to get hurt, and why his superiors want the apocalypse to happen, and whether or not the human maybe has a point ... And people like Zach absolutely hate him for it, because the wrong question at the wrong time could destroy the whole thing. Could make them realise that they might be wrong]
"I didn't know," he whispered, almost gently. "When I locked you away, when I hurt you, made you fight. I didn't know what you'd done. What you'd faced. I didn't know what Raphael had done to you, or what you were given in return. If I had ..." [And he wouldn't have. Gabriel wouldn't have hurt him, had he known. Oh, he'd still have locked him away, still brushed him aside, but he wouldn't have sent Cas to wherever he got so beat up. Not out of pity so much as the fact that Gabriel only goes after assholes, after people like Zach and what half of Heaven seems to have become, and if he'd known what Cas had done he would have known that Cas wasn't like that anymore. Well. Not as much, anyway. Gabriel doesn't teach lessons that don't need teaching]
And there, finally, a spark of something other than fear. A brief flare of anger, of contempt, of soft pity. "You would have done exactly the same," Castiel growled softly, with the hard eyes of someone who knows for sure, who knows beyond doubt, that if anyone at all has the chance to hurt him, they will. [Cas has become more and more bitter, of late] And it's strange, how truly guilty that made Gabriel feel, when nothing on Heaven and Earth had managed that in too long to count. Briefly, he had to wonder if their Father had made this angel for the sole purpose of playing other angels like harps. [*smiles* Granted, it's not an unwarranted suspicion, if we're taking the whole 'omniscient plan' thing into account, but really, Gabriel just doesn't like how easily Cas makes him feel guilty. He doesn't like being shamed into things]
"Maybe," he said, stepping back with a little shrug, an old and faintly bitter smile. "We'll never know for sure, I guess. Anyway. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about." That chin went right back up again, wary and challenging, and Gabriel stifled a grin. Castiel, little brother, you've been spending far too much time around the Winchesters. Far too much. [*smiles, tilts head* He goes from arrogant, demanding angel a-la Zach, to defiant, bitter underdog. The Winchester diet of alcohol, terror and impossible odds. Works wonders every time] And that there ... "What is it you see in them, little brother?" he asked, genuinely curious. "What is it about them that makes an angel defy archangels and the Will of God for their sakes?" [Because he doesn't get it. Sam and Dean are interesting, and fun, but they're nothing to get killed over, as far as he's concerned]
"It was not ..." Castiel said rapidly, then paused. Slowed, thought about it. Gabriel tipped his head to watch him, idly fascinated by the tiny flickers of emotion, muffled and stiff, but clear as day. [Again, how does Misha Collins do that?]With some practice, you could read this angel like a book, he thought. "It was not His will," Castiel finished at last, slowly, dipping his head a little in faint shame. Defiance, certainty, belief, but still shame, like this was an opinion he had no right to hold. [Cas has a lot of opinions he shouldn't. It's only the longer he spends with humanity, and the Winchesters in particular, that he gets used to airing them. Nervously, because they've already gotten him killed once, and Gabriel is an archangel]
It wasn't, really, but that was neither here nor there.
"Really," he drawled, enjoying the way the lesser angel's shoulders stiffened, his head dipping as if to accept a blow. Humility, despite the daring. Given exactly how much courage and/or pride it took for any angel to have an original thought these days, that was new. "And what makes you think you, of all people, can judge that?" Please, kid, give me the right answer here. Let me know I'm not wrong about this. [Gabriel, though, has his own opinions, opinions that drove him out of Heaven, opinions that in the end forced him into the Apocalypse on humanity's side. He doesn't intend to take Cas to task for his. He just wants to know how willing the other angel is to fight for them]
Castiel looked at him, head angled obliquely so that he managed to look like he was looking up at Gabriel, despite being the taller. It was a good trick, really, a subtle deference and an odd show of power, that he could bow before an archangel, but only by making a conscious effort. That this respect was offered by choice, not natural order. Oh, well done, kid. Well done. [*grins* I just liked that. That image. I wanted so, so, soooo badly to have seen the pair of them onscreen together. They both talk so much with body-language, with their eyes. I wish I could have seen them play off each other]
"He asked us to look after them," Castiel said at last, softly, thoughtfully. "He made this world for them. All of it, both good and ill. And they ... know it. Even if they do not believe. Even if they have no faith. They know this is how it was meant to be. They know they have a right to live." [It's very, very odd, coming at this via a character who has faith. But rationality and faith can go together. In fact, they go together rather well, considering the rational realisation of exactly how much is out there that we don't know. And from Cas' POV ... for him, God is a concrete reality, and the only question after that is what that God meant them to do. He just thinks they were maybe supposed to work with what they actually got by way of a world/people, instead of trying to force those people to be what they want, the way Zach & co do]
Gabriel snorted. "So, they're the most arrogant beings in creation. How is this a good thing?" [Point. Let's be honest, humanity, even outside the massive pessimism of SPN, is not exactly without flaw]
"No." Castiel's eyes were fierce again, shining with the tattered shards of Grace, gently forcing Gabriel's to meet them. To see what they held. [Gods, he's so beautiful. Cas, I mean, not Misha, although the man's no slouch. But Cas, for what he is, for the strength and the weakness of him, for the determination and the foolishness, for the bitterness and the faith. Cas is beautiful] "They are not the arrogant ones. Our Father gave them the right to choose. He gave them free will. It is us ... our arrogance, to think we have the right to take that away. To undo what our Father has done. To take back what He has given." He frowned, not condemning, but pitying. "Dean, Sam ... they do not fight just to fight, just to be ... to be contrary." [... *snorts* Okay, like Cas says, not just to be contrary. Just ... mostly]
Gabriel felt something flicker through him at that, a quirk at the corner of his mouth. "Sure about that?" he murmured, and for a second Castiel actually forgot to be afraid of him long enough to smirk back a little. And now Gabriel was feeling something like pride. Oh yes. Father made Castiel purely for use as emotional blackmail, he just knew it. [How sad is it, that he really just wants a brother he can joke with, and make smile? And how, over time, that desire to make them laugh evolved into a strange kind of self-defense, a kind of laughing at himself to hide the cracks underneath. When Cas is afraid, he goes all grim and determined. When Gabriel is afraid, he laughs and makes a fool of himself]
"Well," Cas allowed. "Not just to be awkward." [And the odd thing is, it works. Amusement softens anger, or fear] Then he sobered, a little, and saddened. "They have the right to say no. They want to say no." His voice gained an edge, a vehemence. "All that matters to them in creation is in this world, and they have the right not to see it destroyed simply because angels have gotten ... impatient." [The end of the world and the final plan are one thing. Zach's little chivvy-the-apocalypse-along-so-we-can-retire-already idea, while understandable, is not nearly so acceptable]
That last was almost a growl, and Gabriel looked at him for a long minute. Studied him. For long enough that Castiel started to curl in on himself again. Not out of a lack of a conviction. Out of fear. But he still met Gabriel's gaze, still shone with that depthless, immovable faith, that terrified, almost human challenge. Castiel looked at him, and Gabriel knew. Oh, how he knew. He knew what this angel was, what he represented, what he meant.
Castiel was the broken pillar. The ruined temple, the shattered mount. Castiel was the sad remnant of past glory, and the bitter reminder of their mistakes. Castiel was the man blinded by cruelty, staring into the sun and reaching out with simple grace into its warmth. Castiel was torn from Heaven, cast to Earth, reduced to all but human, and still, even still, he was all that remained of what angels were meant to be. One last, stained purity in a world rapidly going down the toilet. [Look, I did say I fangirled him like crazy, didn't I? Gabriel may be my favourite, but it was Cas who actually got me to watch the show. I love the sheer depth of him. And he is. He is the last remnant of what angels were meant to be, in SPN-verse, anyway. He is broken, and shrunken, and almost human, but he has faith none of the rest of them do, and loyalty, and a determination to do right no matter the cost to himself, a determination to serve and protect, and that's what angels are for. Not to destroy a world and invite apocalypse just to satisfy their own needs]
No wonder his brothers kept trying to destroy him. Even just looking at him was more pain than Gabriel had allowed himself to feel in more than ten centuries. [And the thing is, I think the others know that. They know it. And they have to destroy it, the way the Beast in 'Beauty and the Beast' smashed all the mirrors, to avoid seeing the reflection of how warped he'd become. People have a sad tendancy to lash out at those things that make them realise their own flaws]
"Maybe," he heard himself say at last, distantly, quietly. "Maybe. But haven't we ... don't we deserve ..." He stopped, trying to think how to make himself understood. Trying to think why he wanted this brother to understand. But Castiel ... there was faith in Castiel. More faith than Gabriel had seen in a long, long time. Faith enough to touch, maybe. Faith enough to ... to forgive. "Little brother, we are tired. So many of us, all of us ... Until Lucifer and Michael face each other, this war just won't end, and I ... and we ..." [And at the same time, you do understand where Raph and Zach and Michael and Gabriel are coming from. This is a war they've been fighting for millennia. Not just a war, but a civil war, against their own brothers. And the only thing stopping them from ending it is the fact that to do so, they'll have to destroy humanity too. After so long, being that tired, that hurt, that damned fed up ... you can sort of understand why they might think it worth it, especially when humanity (or at least the deserving parts of it) will get paradise as a result. You can sort of see their point of view]
"I know," said Castiel, softly. "I know. But it is still not our right, to hold them responsible. To make them suffer. These are our mistakes, Gabriel. Not theirs." [Then again, killing innocents (in that conflict, at least) to sort out your own problems is never really a good thing to be doing]
"They broke the seals," he answered. Petulantly. "They're not innocent, Castiel." [Speaking about Sam and Dean, specifically, because it's easier than dealing with the vast scope of what this has become. Even Cas made his choice for them. And they aren't innocent. Manipulated, yes, but they knowingly made bad choices. They just never quite realised what scale of bad choice they were making]
"No," the lesser angel answered, steadily, and Gabriel blinked. He'd been expecting a denial, there. He been expecting ... "They are not innocent. But they are good, Gabriel. They are right. They are worth fighting for. Worth dying for." Castiel stared at him, reached for him, Grace fading and crumbling around him, trying to show him, trying to make Gabriel understand. "For good or ill, our Father gave them the choice. He gave it to them, Gabriel. To deny them that ... What have we become, that we would deny them that?" [Because we can put pretty justifications on what we're doing until the cows come home, but in the end we have to face up to the reality of it. And that's what Cas does. He looks his own actions in the eye the way he looks at archangels about to fall at him. Head-on. Knowing. When he makes a choice, he makes it knowing the consequences to himself and others. Now, sometimes he makes bad ones, sometimes he sacrifices things that shouldn't really be sacrificed, but he at least acknowledges that, unlike Zach, and he values what was lost ... To be honest, you sort of feel sorry for the likes of Gabriel, being faced with Cas. Gabriel couldn't bear to hurt his family, to watch them hurt each other. Cas can. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't flinch from it, either. Bastard]
What have we become? And wasn't that the sixty-four dollar question ...
"I don't know," he said at last. He didn't. None of them did. Not any more. Not since ... not since the Morningstar first Fell, maybe. Not since they first realised they were not pure. They were not right. Not since they realised that angels could be wrong. That angels could act against their Father. That even angels had a choice. Not since they realised that when God gave the humans free will, He might have changed more than just the world. He might have changed them, too. Not since Father left, and took his orders with Him, and suddenly none of them knew what to do. There were no orders. There hadn't been for centuries. Only the prophecies, and the pain, and the burning hatred that rested between brothers. [They were used to certainty. They were used to following orders, and knowing those orders were right, no matter how terrible they sometimes were. When they lost that ... Angels don't deal well with uncertainty. Neither do humans, of course, but at least we're used to it. They weren't. They weren't supposed to have free will. They weren't supposed to have to make choices. And when God left them, lost and uncertain, they really were ripe for the likes of Zach to pick up and use as he pleased ... All they could do was follow the old orders, and trust that their superiors would see them right, when most of those superiors were either drowning in grief and fanatic loyalty, like Michael, or out for themselves, like Zach]
What had they become? Lost. Alone. Almost human. And that ... that was poetic justice worthy of a Trickster, and if anyone ever found their bloody Father, Gabriel was going to have words with Him about that. There was a difference between having a sense of humour, and just being cruel ... [Because He knew. He had to know. He knew what would happen when He left, what they'd become, what they'd do to try and shore themselves up ... and part of me thinks that's what He wanted, that He wanted them to learn to make choices, to be themselves, to be free ... but another part can't help but think that wasn't the best way He could have gone about it. Obedience is not a habit you can quit cold-turkey, and most of them broke trying - they're not wrong to be pissed about it. They're just wrong to go taking it out on humanity]
Even as he thought it, he could see Sam bloody Winchester, looking at him with desolate eyes as he begged for his brother's return, and fine, fine, he got the fucking point, already! [Gabriel realising that people in glass houses shouldn't go throwing stones, no matter how deserved they might be. Given his acts as a Trickster ...]
Dad, wherever you are, I hope you're laughing at this!
"Screw this," he muttered, snapping back to reality to find Castiel frowning at him. In concern, and after everything, after all of it, that ... that just about finished him. That just about broke him. He'd been lost, abandoned, in all likelihood laughed at while he struggled to learn the most basic of lessons, the lesson he'd taught to thousands of humans in his turn and never learnt for himself [He spent so long knocking arrogant humans down a few pegs, and never realised his own arrogance. And the horrible thing is, he's one of the least arrogant of them, with the least need to be ashamed, and he's the only one who will be, him and Cas, because they're the only ones who'll look at themselves long enough], and now, here and now, the one angel in Heaven or Hell with no cause to care about him, the one angel who might have the right to want him hurt ... that angel looked at him in concern. [How hard is it, to get concern just in time to feel like you don't deserve it? *snuggles him*] Because that angel, alone of all of them, had watched two humans, and learned. That angel had kept his faith, looked at what their Father had made, and understood.
"Come here," he said, abruptly. Snapped, really. Castiel flinched, concern slipping back behind fear. But not, he noted, disappearing. Fuck. Fine. "Castiel. Just come here!" [I don't think he's very good at this whole 'being nice' thing -_-;]
"Gabriel ..." So scared. So battered. So alone. Castiel had really had the shit kicked out of him, hadn't he? Well, screw that, too. [Cas may have every reason to be afraid now, but give Gabe a while, we'll see if we can change that ...]
"Please," he said, gently. It wasn't like he had any pride left, after all. He'd seen what pride did to angels, in the end, and while he might be a slow learner in this one instance, he wasn't stupid. He could afford this. He could afford to say please, when it was important. "Cas. Please."
And Castiel looked at him, looked at him long and hard, eyes bright with fear and strength and faith, and then his brother laid down his sword, and came to him. Castiel reached out, human body humming with fear, Grace trembling in readiness to be torn once again, but he reached out. Though it shook him to the core, he reached out to his brother. [*reaches out for them longingly* Gods, these two are so damn beautiful. I'm biased, I'm so very biased, they are so totally my favourites, but ...]
Oh God, Gabriel had missed ... but he wasn't going to think about that. He'd had enough moping for one evening. So instead, he reached out in his turn, wrapped his arms around his little brother, and poured all the power of his Grace into him. He reached out, power and light and glory, and poured himself into Castiel's Grace, into his soul, touching the wounds Raphael had left, Zachariah, Lucifer, Michael ... touched what his brothers had torn, and pulled it back together, wrapped it back up, filled it once again. Castiel gasped, pain and relief and weeping amazement, shuddered into him, his taller form curling around Gabriel's, his Grace reaching out in wonder, and Gabriel could feel himself weep at the love in him, could feel himself shake at the joy. [*spreads hands helplessly* There are some things more intimate ... It caught me, with SPN, with angels. This and the wings. Some things so fraught and so precious ... It caught me]
"Brother," Castiel whispered, stunned. "Gabriel." He slid to his knees, clinging to Gabriel, unable to stand against the rush of feeling, against the power of an archangel. Castiel had learned to fight many times. He'd learned to stand tall against violence. But never, and Gabriel knew this now, never, had Castiel ever had the chance to learn how to stand against kindness. Against compassion. [He doesn't. He doesn't know how. Neither of them do]
No angel had.
"Hush, kiddo," he said, gruffly, holding tight as the lesser angel sagged, lowering him gently to the sand, following him down. "Just ... just hush, alright? It doesn't mean anything. Just ... just hush." He could feel tears in his eyes, could see them standing in the blue ones staring up at him, could feel the depth of pain and love behind them. How long? How long had it been, since any angel had known this? Since before the first Fall, for him. And Castiel ... he wondered if Castiel ever had. "It doesn't mean anything. I'm not ... I don't ... It doesn't mean anything." [It doesn't mean anything because I can't keep this up, it's too much, and I can't promise anything, and you can't, you can't depend on me. Please, just take it as it is, and let it go. Please, just that]
Castiel looked at him, all awe and wonder and faint confusion, the angel who could question and make God answer, and then ... then he smiled. Soft and faint as fading Grace, strong as an archangel's power. He reached out through renewed Grace, spread innocent wings, and wrapped them around Gabriel in return. While Gabriel stared at him in stunned fear, he reached up, laid a hand on the archangel's cheek, and smiled.
"Yes, it does," Castiel whispered gravely. "Thank you, brother. Thank you." [Because Cas won't ask for more, and it's the people who don't ask who make you want to give, and it matters. It does matter]
That was too much. "Don't thank me," he said. Growled. Scolded. "Don't thank me. I haven't done anything." And then, for some unfathomable reason, despite the exhaustion of millennia, despite a thousand years of hiding, despite every self-preserving instinct he had, Gabriel found himself whispering: "... Yet." [How are you supposed to say 'no' to Cas?]
Castiel's smile was like the sun coming up, on a world that had not seen it in years, and for the first time since he'd left Heaven, Gabriel wondered if maybe their Father hadn't been wrong to give them this. This world, this choice, this fear, this pain, this love. He looked at his little brother, and wondered if maybe there was hope for them all yet. Castiel smiled, and Gabriel found reason to hope. [The thing about having to make choices is sometimes you get to make the right one, and that triumph is yours and yours alone]
The kid was made to play people like harps, he was sure of it. But maybe he'd forgive Dad for that. [Because maybe Cas knows what he's doing to Gabriel, and maybe God always knew about it, but this once he can forgive that, because this once he's getting something back. He's getting a brother who cares, and it's worth it]
Just this once.
[End}
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