![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Operating from a Position of Weakness
*scrubs face* Okay. Can I just preface this by saying some people are really stupid and upsetting, and there's not much I can do about that except complain at people who've done nothing wrong and have actually been really nice and helpful, and I am sorry about that, okay? *smiles sheepishly* Sorry. I've had a Day. Capital D. Also, still slightly jittery and antsy, which is making me begin to wonder if jittery = feature of new med, which ... would not be good. Acceptable, maybe, but not ... good.
Anyway. Right. Thing directed at upsetting people I can't actually talk to because the thing you're snickering at me about means I'm too scared to ask you to stop snickering.
First off, 'freak' is never a nice word, and I could do without it.
Second, I'm curled over the desk with my hands pressing my ears into my head because the professor hasn't shown up on time, which means the noise level hasn't dropped like it usually does once the blessed lecturer arrives and tells people to SHUT THE HELL UP, so my nerves are trying to claw their way out of my skin. I have my hands over my ears because I'm trapped by desks and that is literally the only way to make staying in the room with all those voices pressing in around me even remotely bearable. Okay?
Thirdly, I don't think anyone who isn't a professional comedian enjoys being laughed at. Thanks for that. Real smooth.
Fourthly ...
No. No. Never mind. It's just ... I just had a little sit-and-think, about the things I have to do differently to, you know, have a chance to actually make it through the day, and it's sort of disheartening to realise how many of those ways actually open me up to ... well. To stuff like that.
I don't like large crowds of people. This means that I tend to choose routeways that have less people on them. This usually means the longer routes, or the back routes, or, to put it another way, the routes that nasty things tend to happen to people on (Don't worry, I'm careful, and I can brave crowds if I have to avoid nasty spots). I always did that. In school, it usually meant I stuck to the quiet parts of the playground, which was fine, until the bullies followed me and there was suddenly no-one around to help. Fun times.
I can't go into a room late. It's almost pathological. I cannot bear the staring eyes, or the possibly illusionary staring of eyes my mind conjures for me. This means that I will not, CANNOT, enter a hall late. Add that to the fact that I have to take more roundabout routes to GET to lecture halls, and I'm either really stressed going into lecture to start with, or I miss lectures. Fun times.
I can't deal with arguments. I really can't. I did debating, which was fine because it was a formal arena, so I know the arguments, I know the logic, I can MAKE the arguments ... in my head. But on the floor, without rules, anyone with a loud voice is gonna steamroller me.
Which was fun today, by the way. The big lecture? The one with 200 people in it anyway, the one that scares me stupid anyway? Has a new lecturer for this segment. Radical geographies. Feminist, Racial geographies. Which is fine and dandy, and laudable, and all that. Except. She invites discussion at the end. Which means I am trapped, in a room with 200 people, some of whom are now getting excitable and loud and argumentative and demonstrative, and clustering in groups near the exit afterwards to discuss things, and I can't leave the room. We're back to hunched-in-a-corner-with-my-hands-over-my-ears territory. Joy. And fun. And happiness. And did I mention fun? I'm only bloody glad my next lecture was in the same hall, and much smaller, because I couldn't have moved if you took a crowbar to me.
*sighs* I'm sorry. I'm pissy, and tired, and upset, and just ... more than a little frustrated that the things that make me so are things most people have no problems doing. I can't even cook a meal if someone else is in the room, I'm that afraid of having people staring at me, which means my mealtimes are ... varied, to say the least. *sighs* It's just ... It's a normal day. These are normal things that I just ... can't do, or have to do differently, or end up doing in such a way that makes people laugh at me, or ...
It's tiring. And upsetting. And I'm tired and jittery and upset anyway these days, although maybe that's a bit chicken-and-egg, and ...
And sometimes I end up complaining at people who don't deserve it, apparently. *scrubs face some more* Sometimes I really don't like people all that much, you know? I mean, I'm scared of them, I'm always scared of them, but usually I like them too. Sometimes, though, days like today ... I kinda don't. Which ... annoys me.
*drops head* Okay. Enough of that. I'm gonna be tired and pissy at my pillow for a while, instead of everyone else, yes?
*scrubs face* Okay. Can I just preface this by saying some people are really stupid and upsetting, and there's not much I can do about that except complain at people who've done nothing wrong and have actually been really nice and helpful, and I am sorry about that, okay? *smiles sheepishly* Sorry. I've had a Day. Capital D. Also, still slightly jittery and antsy, which is making me begin to wonder if jittery = feature of new med, which ... would not be good. Acceptable, maybe, but not ... good.
Anyway. Right. Thing directed at upsetting people I can't actually talk to because the thing you're snickering at me about means I'm too scared to ask you to stop snickering.
First off, 'freak' is never a nice word, and I could do without it.
Second, I'm curled over the desk with my hands pressing my ears into my head because the professor hasn't shown up on time, which means the noise level hasn't dropped like it usually does once the blessed lecturer arrives and tells people to SHUT THE HELL UP, so my nerves are trying to claw their way out of my skin. I have my hands over my ears because I'm trapped by desks and that is literally the only way to make staying in the room with all those voices pressing in around me even remotely bearable. Okay?
Thirdly, I don't think anyone who isn't a professional comedian enjoys being laughed at. Thanks for that. Real smooth.
Fourthly ...
No. No. Never mind. It's just ... I just had a little sit-and-think, about the things I have to do differently to, you know, have a chance to actually make it through the day, and it's sort of disheartening to realise how many of those ways actually open me up to ... well. To stuff like that.
I don't like large crowds of people. This means that I tend to choose routeways that have less people on them. This usually means the longer routes, or the back routes, or, to put it another way, the routes that nasty things tend to happen to people on (Don't worry, I'm careful, and I can brave crowds if I have to avoid nasty spots). I always did that. In school, it usually meant I stuck to the quiet parts of the playground, which was fine, until the bullies followed me and there was suddenly no-one around to help. Fun times.
I can't go into a room late. It's almost pathological. I cannot bear the staring eyes, or the possibly illusionary staring of eyes my mind conjures for me. This means that I will not, CANNOT, enter a hall late. Add that to the fact that I have to take more roundabout routes to GET to lecture halls, and I'm either really stressed going into lecture to start with, or I miss lectures. Fun times.
I can't deal with arguments. I really can't. I did debating, which was fine because it was a formal arena, so I know the arguments, I know the logic, I can MAKE the arguments ... in my head. But on the floor, without rules, anyone with a loud voice is gonna steamroller me.
Which was fun today, by the way. The big lecture? The one with 200 people in it anyway, the one that scares me stupid anyway? Has a new lecturer for this segment. Radical geographies. Feminist, Racial geographies. Which is fine and dandy, and laudable, and all that. Except. She invites discussion at the end. Which means I am trapped, in a room with 200 people, some of whom are now getting excitable and loud and argumentative and demonstrative, and clustering in groups near the exit afterwards to discuss things, and I can't leave the room. We're back to hunched-in-a-corner-with-my-hands-over-my-ears territory. Joy. And fun. And happiness. And did I mention fun? I'm only bloody glad my next lecture was in the same hall, and much smaller, because I couldn't have moved if you took a crowbar to me.
*sighs* I'm sorry. I'm pissy, and tired, and upset, and just ... more than a little frustrated that the things that make me so are things most people have no problems doing. I can't even cook a meal if someone else is in the room, I'm that afraid of having people staring at me, which means my mealtimes are ... varied, to say the least. *sighs* It's just ... It's a normal day. These are normal things that I just ... can't do, or have to do differently, or end up doing in such a way that makes people laugh at me, or ...
It's tiring. And upsetting. And I'm tired and jittery and upset anyway these days, although maybe that's a bit chicken-and-egg, and ...
And sometimes I end up complaining at people who don't deserve it, apparently. *scrubs face some more* Sometimes I really don't like people all that much, you know? I mean, I'm scared of them, I'm always scared of them, but usually I like them too. Sometimes, though, days like today ... I kinda don't. Which ... annoys me.
*drops head* Okay. Enough of that. I'm gonna be tired and pissy at my pillow for a while, instead of everyone else, yes?
