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I ... don't know what to do with this. I don't ...
Okay. Talking to the counsellor. I need to realise, apparently, that I am not responsible for how people around me feel, that it is not my responsibility to make them happy, and that it is not my fault if some of the things I do or the way I am make them angry. That ... that I have a right to exist in this space, that I have a right to be the way I am. That people's feelings in response to that are their own responsibility and their own problem.
Which ... I get as a concept. I do. I really do. But ...
But if people are reacting to what I am and I do because of things within themselves, because of the way they are, and there's nothing I can do about that ... That means I've no control. That means people are always reacting to things I can't see. That means no matter what I do, people are going to ... there's no way to make things safe. I could be as inoffensive as I know how to be, and it's not going to matter. People are still gonna ...
See, see, the only way I know to react to people is through a series of 'if, then' statements. If I do this, people get mad, therefore don't do it. If I don't do this, people hurt me, therefore always, always do this. But ... If the equation becomes "if I do this, and a series of processes inside a person that I can't see and I can't do anything about causes them to react thusly" ... what the hell am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to ... I can't see these things? How am I supposed to know if I'm safe or not?
I get the idea. I get it. And on the one hand there is a part of me going 'it would be real nice not to be responsible all the time', and there is a rush of relief attached to the thought, that I have a right to be who I am, and it's not my fault how people react to that, but on the other hand ... without the rules, without 'if, then' ... people so seriously terrify me, you know? To not have even the little control I thought I had, for it not to matter no matter how hard I try to be inoffensive, to let people live around me and try not to bump into them ... That's ... terrifying. That's so very terrifying.
I want ... I want to not feel so desperately responsible, yes. I wish I knew how to not be afraid that I don't have the right to this space, that I'm just stupid and wrong and I shouldn't be here ... I want to not be afraid of that. But I also sort of want it to be my responsibility. I want it to be something I can control, something that I can in some way make safe.
And ... I can't. I mean, it makes sense, I can hear and feel the sense of what she says. I know I can't control this. Just ...
It's so hard, to stare that thought in the face. It's so hard to have to give up ... what illusions of control I had.
It's not my fault. And yet, I wish it was. *wonky smile* Am I screwy, or what?
Okay. Talking to the counsellor. I need to realise, apparently, that I am not responsible for how people around me feel, that it is not my responsibility to make them happy, and that it is not my fault if some of the things I do or the way I am make them angry. That ... that I have a right to exist in this space, that I have a right to be the way I am. That people's feelings in response to that are their own responsibility and their own problem.
Which ... I get as a concept. I do. I really do. But ...
But if people are reacting to what I am and I do because of things within themselves, because of the way they are, and there's nothing I can do about that ... That means I've no control. That means people are always reacting to things I can't see. That means no matter what I do, people are going to ... there's no way to make things safe. I could be as inoffensive as I know how to be, and it's not going to matter. People are still gonna ...
See, see, the only way I know to react to people is through a series of 'if, then' statements. If I do this, people get mad, therefore don't do it. If I don't do this, people hurt me, therefore always, always do this. But ... If the equation becomes "if I do this, and a series of processes inside a person that I can't see and I can't do anything about causes them to react thusly" ... what the hell am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to ... I can't see these things? How am I supposed to know if I'm safe or not?
I get the idea. I get it. And on the one hand there is a part of me going 'it would be real nice not to be responsible all the time', and there is a rush of relief attached to the thought, that I have a right to be who I am, and it's not my fault how people react to that, but on the other hand ... without the rules, without 'if, then' ... people so seriously terrify me, you know? To not have even the little control I thought I had, for it not to matter no matter how hard I try to be inoffensive, to let people live around me and try not to bump into them ... That's ... terrifying. That's so very terrifying.
I want ... I want to not feel so desperately responsible, yes. I wish I knew how to not be afraid that I don't have the right to this space, that I'm just stupid and wrong and I shouldn't be here ... I want to not be afraid of that. But I also sort of want it to be my responsibility. I want it to be something I can control, something that I can in some way make safe.
And ... I can't. I mean, it makes sense, I can hear and feel the sense of what she says. I know I can't control this. Just ...
It's so hard, to stare that thought in the face. It's so hard to have to give up ... what illusions of control I had.
It's not my fault. And yet, I wish it was. *wonky smile* Am I screwy, or what?
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