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Huh. I had forgotten that. Funny the things you remember when prompted. Heh. (Possibly triggery for people who've been bullied/have a humiliation squick, but not that bad. I think. Heh.)
I tend to answer questions when asked. Pretty much always have. When I was a kid, it never occured to me not to, and even now that I'm (relatively) adult, I usually only balk at questions when I don't know how to answer them, or when the answer contains information that I've learned is sensitive, or relating to another person. But ... it doesn't occur to me not to answer things. It doesn't occur to me that people have other reasons for asking things beyond need/want to know, and it only rarely occurs to me that people sometimes ask for things so they can use them against you/make fun of you for them. And this, usually only after the fact. Heh.
An illustration of this, of the extent of it, was an incident that happened when I was in ... let's see, fifth class, so about 12 or so. I was always the pedantic kid, and the source of random weird facts, since I tend to hoard information like treasure. Heh. And I've always been obsessed with words, so perhaps it wasn't surprising that I was 'that weird kid who swallowed the dictionary'. Figuratively, of course. I've never harmed a book in my life, and certainly never eaten one.
For some reason, that I cannot for the life of me recall, a girl in my class somehow seized upon this fact, that I knew lots of words, and sounded like a robot spouting a dictionary, and over the course of a few days took to following me around the playground on break, and asking me the meanings of words. Very loudly and publically, so as to attract an audience, and she would follow me everywhere, for the whole break. The first day, I think people thought this was a little strange. The second, other kids started following me around too, and asking for other words.
And I answered. Every time. For about three or four days, for the entire break. I had no idea what was going on, or why everybody in the damn school suddenly needed to learn the dictionary, or why they didn't actually just read one themselves. But they were asking, and I knew the answers, so I gave them to them. I mean, I literally had no idea what was going on. I just knew that they were asking, so I should answer. And I kind of liked being able to answer. I liked knowing something, and being able to give that knowledge to someone else. The fact that after the second day there were so many of them kinda freaked me out, and the fact that pretty much the entire schoolyard was watching me scared me, because I don't deal well with a lot of attention, but I'd no idea what to do about it, and besides. You're supposed to answer questions when people ask them.
I don't remember any of the words they asked. Except one. The girl who'd started it, who kept it up, asked me what 'pilla' meant (local accent slurred the end of it). I remember it because I wasn't sure what she meant, and asked back did she mean 'pillar' or 'pillow', and she said it didn't matter. I remember it, because she basically said that the answer didn't matter, and that was the moment when I actually twigged that she, that they, weren't actually asking because they wanted an answer, because these were things they wanted/needed to know. They were asking to see if I'd answer, and kept asking to see if I'd keep answering.
I remember standing there, in the middle of a crowd of people, and being suddenly very, very confused, and very nervous. Because suddenly there were a lot of people around me, and I didn't know what they wanted. Asking a question because you want/need to know the answer is one thing, and made perfect sense to me. Asking a question just to see what would happen ... And I didn't know, then, if it was good or bad to keep answering. I didn't know what would happen if I stopped, but I wasn't sure what they wanted if I continued. I was sort of ... very frozen.
This was the point, three days in, when the teacher on watch duty actually stepped in. I've no idea why she did then, and why she hadn't before, but it might have been that I hadn't seemed to have had any problems before with being asked questions, and now I was a scared kid in the middle of a crowd, holding my sister's hand and looking bewildered. Anyway, she broke the crowd up, and punished the girl who'd started it. She also took a moment to explain to me that I didn't have to answer questions just because someone asked them, that I didn't have to put up with things if I didn't like them. I think that was also the first time someone explained to me that I was being sort of bullied. It always struck me, a bit, that I'd had to have it explained -_-; That's actually happened a couple of times since, too. People explaining to me, rather gently, that you don't have to do some things just because people say, and the people who ask you to are taking advantage of you. Heh. Sometimes I'm slow that way.
It took me a while to realise that, for those three days, I'd been more or less a kind of toy to those kids, a thing you wind up and make do funny things. It wasn't ... I mean, it wasn't an unpleasant realisation, as such. I hadn't minded at the time, beyond being mildly freaked and very confused, up until I realised that what was happening wasn't what I thought, and panicked because I didn't know what to do. It was just ... It was the first time I realised that people don't just ask questions because they need to know the answer. The first time that I realised you don't always have to answer, and sometimes shouldn't. The first time I realised that sometimes people poke you just to see what happens. Heh.
Funny enough, I don't think I actually learned all the much from it. I mean, I learned that these things are possible, but not how to tell when they're happening (well, I've gotten somewhat better, and I've learned which questions you ought never to answer, unless you know who's asking them). And ... I kinda still answer questions if asked. Heh. Unless I'm exhausted or in retreat or something. But even still. Generally, if I have an answer to something, I feel kinda compelled to give it. Even knowing that sometimes I probably shouldn't.
*smiles ruefully* I'm still sorta the 'weird kid who ate a dictionary'. And a bit of a wind-up-toy/person you poke to see what happens. And, sometimes, that person who answers cursory questions at great and unnecessary length, to the consternation of all concerned. Heh. *grins* Which isn't bad (save for poor listeners), just ... an odd thing to realise. Again.
Oi vey. Funny what you remember, when prodded, isn't it? Heh.
An illustration of this, of the extent of it, was an incident that happened when I was in ... let's see, fifth class, so about 12 or so. I was always the pedantic kid, and the source of random weird facts, since I tend to hoard information like treasure. Heh. And I've always been obsessed with words, so perhaps it wasn't surprising that I was 'that weird kid who swallowed the dictionary'. Figuratively, of course. I've never harmed a book in my life, and certainly never eaten one.
For some reason, that I cannot for the life of me recall, a girl in my class somehow seized upon this fact, that I knew lots of words, and sounded like a robot spouting a dictionary, and over the course of a few days took to following me around the playground on break, and asking me the meanings of words. Very loudly and publically, so as to attract an audience, and she would follow me everywhere, for the whole break. The first day, I think people thought this was a little strange. The second, other kids started following me around too, and asking for other words.
And I answered. Every time. For about three or four days, for the entire break. I had no idea what was going on, or why everybody in the damn school suddenly needed to learn the dictionary, or why they didn't actually just read one themselves. But they were asking, and I knew the answers, so I gave them to them. I mean, I literally had no idea what was going on. I just knew that they were asking, so I should answer. And I kind of liked being able to answer. I liked knowing something, and being able to give that knowledge to someone else. The fact that after the second day there were so many of them kinda freaked me out, and the fact that pretty much the entire schoolyard was watching me scared me, because I don't deal well with a lot of attention, but I'd no idea what to do about it, and besides. You're supposed to answer questions when people ask them.
I don't remember any of the words they asked. Except one. The girl who'd started it, who kept it up, asked me what 'pilla' meant (local accent slurred the end of it). I remember it because I wasn't sure what she meant, and asked back did she mean 'pillar' or 'pillow', and she said it didn't matter. I remember it, because she basically said that the answer didn't matter, and that was the moment when I actually twigged that she, that they, weren't actually asking because they wanted an answer, because these were things they wanted/needed to know. They were asking to see if I'd answer, and kept asking to see if I'd keep answering.
I remember standing there, in the middle of a crowd of people, and being suddenly very, very confused, and very nervous. Because suddenly there were a lot of people around me, and I didn't know what they wanted. Asking a question because you want/need to know the answer is one thing, and made perfect sense to me. Asking a question just to see what would happen ... And I didn't know, then, if it was good or bad to keep answering. I didn't know what would happen if I stopped, but I wasn't sure what they wanted if I continued. I was sort of ... very frozen.
This was the point, three days in, when the teacher on watch duty actually stepped in. I've no idea why she did then, and why she hadn't before, but it might have been that I hadn't seemed to have had any problems before with being asked questions, and now I was a scared kid in the middle of a crowd, holding my sister's hand and looking bewildered. Anyway, she broke the crowd up, and punished the girl who'd started it. She also took a moment to explain to me that I didn't have to answer questions just because someone asked them, that I didn't have to put up with things if I didn't like them. I think that was also the first time someone explained to me that I was being sort of bullied. It always struck me, a bit, that I'd had to have it explained -_-; That's actually happened a couple of times since, too. People explaining to me, rather gently, that you don't have to do some things just because people say, and the people who ask you to are taking advantage of you. Heh. Sometimes I'm slow that way.
It took me a while to realise that, for those three days, I'd been more or less a kind of toy to those kids, a thing you wind up and make do funny things. It wasn't ... I mean, it wasn't an unpleasant realisation, as such. I hadn't minded at the time, beyond being mildly freaked and very confused, up until I realised that what was happening wasn't what I thought, and panicked because I didn't know what to do. It was just ... It was the first time I realised that people don't just ask questions because they need to know the answer. The first time that I realised you don't always have to answer, and sometimes shouldn't. The first time I realised that sometimes people poke you just to see what happens. Heh.
Funny enough, I don't think I actually learned all the much from it. I mean, I learned that these things are possible, but not how to tell when they're happening (well, I've gotten somewhat better, and I've learned which questions you ought never to answer, unless you know who's asking them). And ... I kinda still answer questions if asked. Heh. Unless I'm exhausted or in retreat or something. But even still. Generally, if I have an answer to something, I feel kinda compelled to give it. Even knowing that sometimes I probably shouldn't.
*smiles ruefully* I'm still sorta the 'weird kid who ate a dictionary'. And a bit of a wind-up-toy/person you poke to see what happens. And, sometimes, that person who answers cursory questions at great and unnecessary length, to the consternation of all concerned. Heh. *grins* Which isn't bad (save for poor listeners), just ... an odd thing to realise. Again.
Oi vey. Funny what you remember, when prodded, isn't it? Heh.
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