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I can't decide if I'm handling all the stress lately really well (all things considered), or if I'm not handling it at all and just haven't noticed that yet. I mean, I know I am stressed. The physical symptoms give that one away: more migraines, more headaches, extra periods, lack of sleep, etc. My body is fairly reliable when it comes to letting me know we're under pressure.
But I'm not panicking. Visibly, I mean. I'm not panicking the way everyone else is panicking, I'm not dwelling on what could go wrong or who we might lose. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, yes, but more in the sense of 'we can't do anything about it, so lets not worry until it happens'.
I think, anyway. Could be I'm just not letting myself think too much consciously about it.
Sometimes I just wonder, you know? If this is where I'm supposed to be in terms of handling stress, instead of curled in a ball and semi-catatonic like I would have been three/four years ago, or if I've gone too far in the other direction and am now overly-detached/slightly sociopathic.
Thing of it is, if I have become detached/sociopathic? I think it's sort of ... working. In terms of remaining functional, I mean. Doing the jobs that need doing, and remaining relatively intact in the process. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person or not.
I'm not sure how to manage things at this end. I've never really gone through such high-stress situations while in this particular frame of mind before. Most of the major stress periods of my life have set off massive depressive episodes, and I don't know if I'm just conscious enough now to be wondering if this is the start of one of those, or if the depressive episode is actually just not happening this time and it's weirding me out.
I'm not used to being this relatively functional in a crisis period, is my point. Relative to my own past behaviour, and also relative to the people around me. I don't know what it means. I'm behaving in an overly logical and practicality-orientated manner, which is abrasive and insensitive in the face of emotion, and I'm flat not really capable of figuring out how to help everyone else who is visibly panicking/deteriorating/becoming depressive around me. I don't know if I've frozen up and become detached, if this is what maybe my normal approach to stress in the absence of depression is, if it's what it's meant to be, or if I've lost touch with something inside me that is actually panicking and the rest of me just hasn't properly noticed yet.
And yes, I realise I'm being panicky right now. I am actually worried and stressed. It's just a very strange kind of worry/stress compared to what I remember from the rest of my experience?
*shakes head* I'm trying to just keep an eye on it. I'm trying to monitor my physical condition, since it's more reliable for noticing problems than my mental one. I'm trying to allow for personal weakness and physical sickness in the wake of stress. I've taken more headache pills in the past three weeks than I've ever taken in my life, I think, but I'm sticking to prescribed doses and trying to eat okayish and sleep okayish around it. I'm being more rigidly organised than usual, both at work and at home, and I'm fairly sure that's a stress response but again, it seems to be one that works in my favour (if possibly not in everyone else's).
At this stage, beyond trying to keep myself relatively stable and functional, I don't really know what to do? If the bad thing happens, the one that we're all afraid of, then it happens and there's not much we can do to prevent it. I kind of want to be able to help everyone else, to not be so coldly/aggressively functional towards them, but I'm not really sure how to do that. Relative to my own past levels of functionality, this level of detachment/pragmatism appears to be serving me well, but it's really highlighting the gap between me and everyone else right now, and I'm not sure what to do with that or if I'm supposed to do anything.
*groans, drops head* I'm stressed as fuck right now. But it's weird stress, and the weirdness of it is kind of stressing me out in and of itself a little. Despite this, I remain a lot more day-to-day functional than I've ever been during similar life events in the past.
Is this a good thing or a bad thing? And ... should I care, so long as it's working?
*rubs head* Gods, I need to go to bed. We have to have a family discussion tomorrow, try and figure out how not to kill each other in the face of what's happening. It's possible this will end very badly, and I've work the day after that. I should sleep lots, I think. Have an energy cushion for when things go tits up.
Life is exhausting. Worry is exhausting. Fucking everything is exhausting right now. I hate the world so much sometimes :(
Oi. Anyway. As you were, everyone. My apologies, I needed to vent for a bit, yes?
But I'm not panicking. Visibly, I mean. I'm not panicking the way everyone else is panicking, I'm not dwelling on what could go wrong or who we might lose. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, yes, but more in the sense of 'we can't do anything about it, so lets not worry until it happens'.
I think, anyway. Could be I'm just not letting myself think too much consciously about it.
Sometimes I just wonder, you know? If this is where I'm supposed to be in terms of handling stress, instead of curled in a ball and semi-catatonic like I would have been three/four years ago, or if I've gone too far in the other direction and am now overly-detached/slightly sociopathic.
Thing of it is, if I have become detached/sociopathic? I think it's sort of ... working. In terms of remaining functional, I mean. Doing the jobs that need doing, and remaining relatively intact in the process. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person or not.
I'm not sure how to manage things at this end. I've never really gone through such high-stress situations while in this particular frame of mind before. Most of the major stress periods of my life have set off massive depressive episodes, and I don't know if I'm just conscious enough now to be wondering if this is the start of one of those, or if the depressive episode is actually just not happening this time and it's weirding me out.
I'm not used to being this relatively functional in a crisis period, is my point. Relative to my own past behaviour, and also relative to the people around me. I don't know what it means. I'm behaving in an overly logical and practicality-orientated manner, which is abrasive and insensitive in the face of emotion, and I'm flat not really capable of figuring out how to help everyone else who is visibly panicking/deteriorating/becoming depressive around me. I don't know if I've frozen up and become detached, if this is what maybe my normal approach to stress in the absence of depression is, if it's what it's meant to be, or if I've lost touch with something inside me that is actually panicking and the rest of me just hasn't properly noticed yet.
And yes, I realise I'm being panicky right now. I am actually worried and stressed. It's just a very strange kind of worry/stress compared to what I remember from the rest of my experience?
*shakes head* I'm trying to just keep an eye on it. I'm trying to monitor my physical condition, since it's more reliable for noticing problems than my mental one. I'm trying to allow for personal weakness and physical sickness in the wake of stress. I've taken more headache pills in the past three weeks than I've ever taken in my life, I think, but I'm sticking to prescribed doses and trying to eat okayish and sleep okayish around it. I'm being more rigidly organised than usual, both at work and at home, and I'm fairly sure that's a stress response but again, it seems to be one that works in my favour (if possibly not in everyone else's).
At this stage, beyond trying to keep myself relatively stable and functional, I don't really know what to do? If the bad thing happens, the one that we're all afraid of, then it happens and there's not much we can do to prevent it. I kind of want to be able to help everyone else, to not be so coldly/aggressively functional towards them, but I'm not really sure how to do that. Relative to my own past levels of functionality, this level of detachment/pragmatism appears to be serving me well, but it's really highlighting the gap between me and everyone else right now, and I'm not sure what to do with that or if I'm supposed to do anything.
*groans, drops head* I'm stressed as fuck right now. But it's weird stress, and the weirdness of it is kind of stressing me out in and of itself a little. Despite this, I remain a lot more day-to-day functional than I've ever been during similar life events in the past.
Is this a good thing or a bad thing? And ... should I care, so long as it's working?
*rubs head* Gods, I need to go to bed. We have to have a family discussion tomorrow, try and figure out how not to kill each other in the face of what's happening. It's possible this will end very badly, and I've work the day after that. I should sleep lots, I think. Have an energy cushion for when things go tits up.
Life is exhausting. Worry is exhausting. Fucking everything is exhausting right now. I hate the world so much sometimes :(
Oi. Anyway. As you were, everyone. My apologies, I needed to vent for a bit, yes?
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