Me and sex

[icarus_chained]

Okay, I'm taking one of the musing_way  prompts for myself, and talking about my sexuality. Well, this is a journal, after all. Skip if you want to. I'm ... mostly just slightly confused and mildly hurt and a lot longing.

Asexual and Touch-Hungry

That? Would be me.

I'm pretty damn sure about the asexual thing, now. I have absolutely no desire for what I keep calling the 'fluidy bits' in my head. I'm even vaguely repulsed by it, when thinking about it in terms of myself. Strangely, not so much when it's other people, because, well, they can enjoy themselves however they want, so long as I'm not asked to participate. It's just in terms of my own body that I can't stand the thought.

So. Asexual. No desire for sex at all. Which, apparently, is very, very weird. I was in an introductory session with a counsellor, once, and he was asking a series of relationship questions, and asked if I were straight or gay. I hadn't a clue. I like both, but have no desire for sex with either, so I said that and told him to put down 'bi' to cover eventualities (I didn't know about the term asexual then). He stared at me like I was insane. My sister, who happily flirts (semi-subconsciously, I think) with anyone pretty that she takes a fancy too, found it incredibly strange that I'd never in my life had a wet-dream. Until she said it, I'd no idea that they were something you were supposed to have. *bewildered*

With all that, and with the way sex seems to be the focus of way, way too much of social interaction (Seriously. What's the obsession? Work and boyfriends/girlfriends seems to be all that was ever talked about in any social setting I've been in that didn't have a specific purpose.) I've ... sometimes been confused. Maybe it's something I won't like until after I've tried it? But I've tried kissing someone, with the tongue and stuff, and even that was ... repulsive ... so I can't imagine the rest would be any more attractive to me, before or after. I just don't like the idea at all.

But I do like other ideas, and that's where lines start to blur. I want to touch people, and be touched. No fluidy bits. Just ... touch. I see people in the street, and I want to run my fingers through someone's hair, or press the pad of my thumb to the corner of a smile, or cup my palm around the curve of a shoulder, or trace my fingers over a really gorgeous set of hands. Tiny things. I'm tactile. I learn by touch. And I want to learn bodies that way, I want my body to be learned like that. I'm touch-hungry.

But you can't do that. Not if you don't plan on having sex too. Because touches like those, they're intimate. And I know that. I think it's part of why I want them. I'm as romantic as the next person, after all. It's just ... I don't want sex. And if you don't want sex, you can't have the other stuff. You're 'leading people on'. You're 'being a tease'. Offering sideshows and denying the main event. Except for me, those sideshows are the main event. Physically, they're all I want, and all I can bear.

I've no idea what I'm meant to do about this. I seem to live in a sex-obsessed society. Which is fine, except I'm not part of it. These things I want and need, I can't have them unless I risk ... a whole range of undesirable things. Someone flirts with me (I think - I'm really bad at telling about that), and I want to flirt back, to touch back, but once I tell them that they're not going to be getting a return on their investment, so to speak ... yeah. Doesn't go so well. Which is such a damn shame, because some of those bodies I ache to touch. Some people are so beautiful, or so interesting, with such textures and lines and curves and intricate little places ... but no. Not allowed.

*sighs* So. That's me. Asexual and touch-hungry, and not a clue what to do about it. Heh. Ladies and gentlemen and miscellaneous others, it's 4am and the world sucks. That is all.

Comments

[senmut]

Honey. I get you. I get you ALOT.

I'm not asexual by a long shot. I have gone through long phases where I preferred not to receive 'fluidy bit' touching, but I do enjoy sex.

However...simple touching, and being touch starved a lot in my life, makes me an extremely tactile person...with those I can fully cope with. Which is a limited number, due to some horrible past bits you don't need to know that basically make me certain everyone is going to assume I mean more than I do.

Suffice to say, I keep most of my touching to my girlfriend.

Well, maybe...I shake the hands of all my workers. The ones that have indicated it's okay, I clasp their arm. Every once in a while, I can be petting toward the rest of my household. Sometimes, I'm so damn touch-starved I willfully make myself NOT touch, because I think I'm being clingy.

I've got a lot of issues about touch and lack thereof.

+hugs you tight+ You are who you are, and no one but you can decide who that is, and that influences everything on how you interact with the world.

For the record, I count you as a dear friend, and you've made my world a better place. So stay you.

[icarus_chained]

*smiles* We seem to get each other quite often. That ... comforts me quite a bit.

I ... had a couple of horrible past bits as well, one of which involved me doing absolutely nothing, but it happened anyway, which has lead to me being very, very determined not to do anything that someone might take as 'leading them on'. If that much can happen when you don't do anything, I'm not going to go near what someone might do if they think you want it. *shudders* So I definitely hear where you're coming from.

Sometimes I really long for something like what the Victorians had in 'romantic friendships'. A lover who accepted me would also be right up there. *shakes head and smiles*

I love the little gestures you're allowed to make. Shaking hands is big, partially because I've always had a tihng for hands anyway. But I'm very bad at social cues, so I often I either miss chances or take ones I wasn't offered. Heh. I'll master it eventually. I hope.

My family ... is complicated in terms of touch, what with two Aspies, a touch-starved but self-denying mother, and a sister who usually only touches when she's drunk. Heh. Complicated.

*hugs* I am who I am, alright. Unfortunately the world is also what it is. *wry smile*

Same here, hon. Same here. You're perfect as you are.

[nightmareink]

At one point we identified as asexual, but we're not so sure anymore seeing as we do enjoy sex and find both genders attractive. However, we don't really seek out sex very much, not even when we get to be with our girlfriend. Which she's fine with anyways. We're just kinda...disinterested.

Now, some of that might be a side effect of one of our medications, but really we never had much in the way of sexual interest or something of the sort.

I guess I understand what you're talking about, but if I come even into brief contact with strangers, I feel violated. It's probably because I have aspergers. I mean, how many people feel tortured just to sit next to a person on a bus just because their leg is touching yours? But with people I trust, I like touch. I don't mind them touching me unless I'm in a "DO NOT TOUCH" mood.

...I'm not sure if I know what I'm talking about.

[icarus_chained]

*smiles* Don't worry about it.

I find both genders and a number of other things attractive, just not in a way that means I want to exchange fluids. Heh. I think I just have a block about that whole thing.

*nods* My dad and sis are Aspies, and both of them have problems with touch. Myself too, in that I really, really need to be warned before it happens. But I love the sensation itself, and if I had someone to touch who'd be willing to allow it, I would love to touch and be touched.