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Okay. So. This is possibly not the place for this, but I don't have anywhere else at present, so here it's going. Sorry about that.
If you have to/want to deal with me at the minute, in any capacity ... I'd be grateful if you'd read this first. I'm failing badly right now.
Question. Am I retreating from people in general at the minute?
Answer. Fucking right I am.
Question. Why?
Answer. Insufficient operating parameters for functional interaction. Or, translated, I'm too confused at the minute to know how to deal with them.
If you have to/want to deal with me at the minute, in any capacity ... I'd be grateful if you'd read this first. I'm failing badly right now.
Question. Am I retreating from people in general at the minute?
Answer. Fucking right I am.
Question. Why?
Answer. Insufficient operating parameters for functional interaction. Or, translated, I'm too confused at the minute to know how to deal with them.
Some explanation:
Right. My understanding of human interaction is that it is basically ... there is no word here that is not loaded with connotation. There's no words for any of this that are not loaded with connotation. Fuck. Anyway.
My understanding of human interaction is that it is basically mercenary. It is an exchange of wants/needs between people, and people seek it out when they have wants and needs. Those needs ranging from the concrete (help me out with this) to the abstract (I need company/a hug/vindication, etc), depending on the person and situation. But. Every interaction is based on an exchange of valued ... objects?... based on the desires/needs of the people seeking the interaction. The best interactions are those that fulfill either separate or mutual desires for all involved in it. So. Interaction is mercenary. People are mercenary.
If there is a word that means the same thing, and doesn't carry the connotation that I think (which I don't) that people/interactions are bad because of this, it'd be really awesome if someone could fill that in -_-;
So. My understanding of interacting with other people is that, ideally speaking, the interaction should give something to everyone involved. If someone seeks you out, it means they want something from you (even something as simple as someone to, I don't know, sit besides them for a while, or smile at them for a second, or something), and if they don't, it means they don't have anything in particular they feel you can give them at that time, or, sometimes, because they feel that you would actively either take something they at that point can't afford to give, or force something on them that they can't afford to take. People avoid interaction if they feel it would be damaging to them, barring lack of choice. Yes?
Okay. Okay. In specific, relating to me. Okay.
I can't full the 'abstract values' portion of human interaction without specific direction. And, a lot of the time, not even then. Okay? If you want something abstract from me, you have to tell me, and then, for preferance, explain how I go about giving it to you. Generally speaking, you will not just get it automatically from me. Not for lack of trying, but I don't know how. And ... it causes pain to me, to not know how to give you what you need, when you approach me. It causes pain to me, to not get it, and know I'm not getting it, and not being able to fix that, and watching you be hurt/confused/disappointed/angry at me for it.
I'm 23 years old. And looking backwards, every successful relationship/consistent interaction I've had with another human being has been based on a mutual external goal/interest. In fact, the most successful relationships I've had all told have all been entirely professional, with clearly defined goals and benefits for the people involved.
The past year of my life, successfully finishing college, was based on my gaining a series of strong, friendly professional relationships with, among others, a counsellor, a mentor, a supervisor and a psychiatrist. That worked. I could do that. I knew exactly what each of them wanted from the relationship. All of them (save the supervisor) required personal things from me, and consistent work, but it was done under set parameters, and people explained what they wanted. Mostly because each of them, due to the nature of the relationship, understood that they had to. And also, because all of them had a set goal (making me better/finishing college/doing my job/etc).
A few people have also pointed out that possibly they were successful because a) they were all about me, and b) the people involved were getting paid by outside agencies to do what they did. Which ... is essentially true. To be fair, they were interactions I entered into for those set goals, and if every person I needed something from would accept a concrete physical payment like money in exchange, my life would be a whole lot easier. The friendly relationships built up around them were a benefit (oh, such a benefit), but I've consistently found that if people gain something solid from me/through me that is independant from my ability to function interpersonally, they're more willing to attempt the crappy interpersonal relationships I'm capable of.
Which does sound like me bribing people to interact with me, but seriously? They need to get something out of the relationship to balance out what I can't give them, and you have no idea how happy I am for those things to be concrete and independant from my incredibly stunted abilities to function as an abstract/emotional being.
I ... do not functional well in relationships that do not have a set goal/external benefit. It's one of the reasons I'm so fond of fandom. Fandom has shared interests that bring joy, and ways for me to help fulfill those interests so that people can interact with me in ways that make them happy. I can write them a story, or discuss something they're interested in, or listen to something it makes them happy to talk about. Most friend-like people I've had, I've had shared interests with them (though I gather this is usually the case for most people).
It's also why I tend to have trouble hanging on to friends through shifts in interest. Not because I don't like them anymore, or because I'm not interested in them anymore, but because I don't know what to give them anymore to make it worth their while. And also, because I can't start a conversation without an outside pretext to save my life.
I'm sorry, by the way. If any of you are reading. *shrinks sheepishly*
*rubs face tiredly* As for what I want from interactions. Why I would seek them out. Oh.
I want not to be confused and/or terrified. I want to know what people want from me, to have them ... calmly and consistently explain what they need. I want ... I want them to understand that I'm trying, seriously, you've no idea how hard I'm trying, but ... But sometimes I can't, I just flatly can't understand, or give, and that ... That's something that you have to accept will be part of the cost of being around me. If you can't ... If you can't, then I'd rather you went and found someone who could give you what you need, rather than stick around to be continually disappointed/hurt by me.
And failing that, if that can't happen ...
Then I'll continue to limit my interactions to the professional and shared-interest spheres, because it's ... too damaging to me, costing far too much effort, to try and interact on terms I don't understand, for needs I can't supply.
That ... Crap anyway. That doesn't mean the people in those spheres mean less to me. God, you don't, you all know that, right? Seriously. I love you guys for being people I can reasonably functionally interact with, for being people I can share my interests with, and/or people I can successfully work with. Those are the kind of relationships I want. Ones I can, you know, actually function in.
If people want more from me ... God. I'll try. Until I can't anymore. I really will. Just ... as far as I know, it has yet to fucking work for me, so ... You know. Keep it in mind. Those of you who have ... Um. Those of you who've, you know, stayed around outside those parameters ... fuck if I know what you're getting out of it, but, you know, thanks.
I just ...
I'm retreating right now. Because I've lost the support of those professional relationships, I've lost almost all of my outside goals outside of fandom and a college course that won't happen until next year. I'm ... having a series of spectacularly non-functional family relationships that are taking ... actually, more energy than I have, because I'm having to renegotiate them on the fly after the diagnosis and it's not working, so I'm operating at a loss before I start these days, and ...
I'm hoping, maybe, that if people understand up front that I am ... non-functional, and mercenary, and, you know, shite at being a human being, that ...
That you can decide what, if anything, you want/need from me that makes it worth sticking around, what you want to limit our interactions to, if you want to keep having them at all. That sort of thing. And then, you know, hopefully people could then tell me.
It's just ... shit. You know I'm trying, right? Trying to understand, to give, to be. I'm trying to do it right. I swear to you, I swear to you, I am. It's just not working, that's all. And I don't know what to do about that because, you know, it never has. So.
I do try. I try to understand. I know you don't believe me, because, I know, how are you supposed to know the difference between someone failing to understand and someone just not trying, it looks about the same from the outside, I know. I know you don't believe me.
But, fuck, I can't change that either. So if we could just go from the base understanding that I don't, and if you could decide based on that if you want to be near me at all ...
You don't have to be. You don't have to be anywhere near me. Human interaction is supposed to give something to both sides, and if you're not getting anything, you can leave. You know that, right? I avoid interactions that don't give me anything all the fucking time, out of sheer self-preservation, and yeah, I know it's mercenary of me, and people dislike me for it, but see, that's the thing. If I'm being mercenary at you, you can absolutely be mercenary back.
And gods, gods, so often I wish you would. Because I could understand that.
And yeah, I'm not completely sure who 'you' is anymore. It's fluctuating on me at the minute. And I should shut up.
*flounders a bit* Just ... You know. This is me. This is what I am, how I work. If you could ... fuck, I don't know. Kinda work with/around it? Or, you know, just ignore me. God, one or the other, please. Seriously. Please. I don't have the capability for anything else right now.
I don't know if I ever will. But fuck, I'm trying, right?
Crap. I'm going to go cry for a while.
Right. My understanding of human interaction is that it is basically ... there is no word here that is not loaded with connotation. There's no words for any of this that are not loaded with connotation. Fuck. Anyway.
My understanding of human interaction is that it is basically mercenary. It is an exchange of wants/needs between people, and people seek it out when they have wants and needs. Those needs ranging from the concrete (help me out with this) to the abstract (I need company/a hug/vindication, etc), depending on the person and situation. But. Every interaction is based on an exchange of valued ... objects?... based on the desires/needs of the people seeking the interaction. The best interactions are those that fulfill either separate or mutual desires for all involved in it. So. Interaction is mercenary. People are mercenary.
If there is a word that means the same thing, and doesn't carry the connotation that I think (which I don't) that people/interactions are bad because of this, it'd be really awesome if someone could fill that in -_-;
So. My understanding of interacting with other people is that, ideally speaking, the interaction should give something to everyone involved. If someone seeks you out, it means they want something from you (even something as simple as someone to, I don't know, sit besides them for a while, or smile at them for a second, or something), and if they don't, it means they don't have anything in particular they feel you can give them at that time, or, sometimes, because they feel that you would actively either take something they at that point can't afford to give, or force something on them that they can't afford to take. People avoid interaction if they feel it would be damaging to them, barring lack of choice. Yes?
Okay. Okay. In specific, relating to me. Okay.
I can't full the 'abstract values' portion of human interaction without specific direction. And, a lot of the time, not even then. Okay? If you want something abstract from me, you have to tell me, and then, for preferance, explain how I go about giving it to you. Generally speaking, you will not just get it automatically from me. Not for lack of trying, but I don't know how. And ... it causes pain to me, to not know how to give you what you need, when you approach me. It causes pain to me, to not get it, and know I'm not getting it, and not being able to fix that, and watching you be hurt/confused/disappointed/angry at me for it.
I'm 23 years old. And looking backwards, every successful relationship/consistent interaction I've had with another human being has been based on a mutual external goal/interest. In fact, the most successful relationships I've had all told have all been entirely professional, with clearly defined goals and benefits for the people involved.
The past year of my life, successfully finishing college, was based on my gaining a series of strong, friendly professional relationships with, among others, a counsellor, a mentor, a supervisor and a psychiatrist. That worked. I could do that. I knew exactly what each of them wanted from the relationship. All of them (save the supervisor) required personal things from me, and consistent work, but it was done under set parameters, and people explained what they wanted. Mostly because each of them, due to the nature of the relationship, understood that they had to. And also, because all of them had a set goal (making me better/finishing college/doing my job/etc).
A few people have also pointed out that possibly they were successful because a) they were all about me, and b) the people involved were getting paid by outside agencies to do what they did. Which ... is essentially true. To be fair, they were interactions I entered into for those set goals, and if every person I needed something from would accept a concrete physical payment like money in exchange, my life would be a whole lot easier. The friendly relationships built up around them were a benefit (oh, such a benefit), but I've consistently found that if people gain something solid from me/through me that is independant from my ability to function interpersonally, they're more willing to attempt the crappy interpersonal relationships I'm capable of.
Which does sound like me bribing people to interact with me, but seriously? They need to get something out of the relationship to balance out what I can't give them, and you have no idea how happy I am for those things to be concrete and independant from my incredibly stunted abilities to function as an abstract/emotional being.
I ... do not functional well in relationships that do not have a set goal/external benefit. It's one of the reasons I'm so fond of fandom. Fandom has shared interests that bring joy, and ways for me to help fulfill those interests so that people can interact with me in ways that make them happy. I can write them a story, or discuss something they're interested in, or listen to something it makes them happy to talk about. Most friend-like people I've had, I've had shared interests with them (though I gather this is usually the case for most people).
It's also why I tend to have trouble hanging on to friends through shifts in interest. Not because I don't like them anymore, or because I'm not interested in them anymore, but because I don't know what to give them anymore to make it worth their while. And also, because I can't start a conversation without an outside pretext to save my life.
I'm sorry, by the way. If any of you are reading. *shrinks sheepishly*
*rubs face tiredly* As for what I want from interactions. Why I would seek them out. Oh.
I want not to be confused and/or terrified. I want to know what people want from me, to have them ... calmly and consistently explain what they need. I want ... I want them to understand that I'm trying, seriously, you've no idea how hard I'm trying, but ... But sometimes I can't, I just flatly can't understand, or give, and that ... That's something that you have to accept will be part of the cost of being around me. If you can't ... If you can't, then I'd rather you went and found someone who could give you what you need, rather than stick around to be continually disappointed/hurt by me.
And failing that, if that can't happen ...
Then I'll continue to limit my interactions to the professional and shared-interest spheres, because it's ... too damaging to me, costing far too much effort, to try and interact on terms I don't understand, for needs I can't supply.
That ... Crap anyway. That doesn't mean the people in those spheres mean less to me. God, you don't, you all know that, right? Seriously. I love you guys for being people I can reasonably functionally interact with, for being people I can share my interests with, and/or people I can successfully work with. Those are the kind of relationships I want. Ones I can, you know, actually function in.
If people want more from me ... God. I'll try. Until I can't anymore. I really will. Just ... as far as I know, it has yet to fucking work for me, so ... You know. Keep it in mind. Those of you who have ... Um. Those of you who've, you know, stayed around outside those parameters ... fuck if I know what you're getting out of it, but, you know, thanks.
I just ...
I'm retreating right now. Because I've lost the support of those professional relationships, I've lost almost all of my outside goals outside of fandom and a college course that won't happen until next year. I'm ... having a series of spectacularly non-functional family relationships that are taking ... actually, more energy than I have, because I'm having to renegotiate them on the fly after the diagnosis and it's not working, so I'm operating at a loss before I start these days, and ...
I'm hoping, maybe, that if people understand up front that I am ... non-functional, and mercenary, and, you know, shite at being a human being, that ...
That you can decide what, if anything, you want/need from me that makes it worth sticking around, what you want to limit our interactions to, if you want to keep having them at all. That sort of thing. And then, you know, hopefully people could then tell me.
It's just ... shit. You know I'm trying, right? Trying to understand, to give, to be. I'm trying to do it right. I swear to you, I swear to you, I am. It's just not working, that's all. And I don't know what to do about that because, you know, it never has. So.
I do try. I try to understand. I know you don't believe me, because, I know, how are you supposed to know the difference between someone failing to understand and someone just not trying, it looks about the same from the outside, I know. I know you don't believe me.
But, fuck, I can't change that either. So if we could just go from the base understanding that I don't, and if you could decide based on that if you want to be near me at all ...
You don't have to be. You don't have to be anywhere near me. Human interaction is supposed to give something to both sides, and if you're not getting anything, you can leave. You know that, right? I avoid interactions that don't give me anything all the fucking time, out of sheer self-preservation, and yeah, I know it's mercenary of me, and people dislike me for it, but see, that's the thing. If I'm being mercenary at you, you can absolutely be mercenary back.
And gods, gods, so often I wish you would. Because I could understand that.
And yeah, I'm not completely sure who 'you' is anymore. It's fluctuating on me at the minute. And I should shut up.
*flounders a bit* Just ... You know. This is me. This is what I am, how I work. If you could ... fuck, I don't know. Kinda work with/around it? Or, you know, just ignore me. God, one or the other, please. Seriously. Please. I don't have the capability for anything else right now.
I don't know if I ever will. But fuck, I'm trying, right?
Crap. I'm going to go cry for a while.
